Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Baring My Teeth

The other day, I bought a tooth whitening “system.” I bought tooth whitener and I gave myself a pedicure... and I ate fruit salad when I could have had a double chocolate walnut cookie. Clearly I have lost my mind.

Is this selling out? Has exposure to mass media populated with “Desperate Housewife” stick figures and advertisments full of people with gleaming choppers finally gotten to me? I’m not sure. I just woke up a few days ago and felt like giving myself a tune-up.

The commercial “ideal” may have infiltrated my consciousness. The creepy barbie image that involves being tall, thin, having bright white teeth, trimmed and polished nails, perfect hair and clear skin may have gotten to me. I suspect this because I catch myself thinking, “What am I going to do about being short?”

Using the tooth whitener involves DRYING YOUR TEETH, which is bizarre and unnatural and VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You clean your teeth, dry them and then contort your face to keep your mouth WIDE open so your teeth stay dry long enough for you to get the gel on them. So there I am in the bathroom, freaky rictus of a grin on my face, teeth bared and painting them one by one with a teeny tiny paintbrush dipped in chemical smelling goo.

Have you ever consciously tried not to salivate? It’s impossible. Afterwards I have to freeze amid icky grin until the stuff dries. I spend the next half hour staring at my teeth, wondering if anything is happening and trying to remember how white my teeth were to begin with. I am trying to avoid my boyfriend seeing me like this, for fear of giving him nightmares.

Like I said - CLEARLY I have lost my mind.


  1. That picture...her vampire teeth!!

    Did the whitening system work? I've also considered whitening my teeth, but this just all sounds like too much!! I'm not sure how I'd handle it

  2. I think it's working... or I'm just staring into the mirror at my teeth until I start to believe that they're whiter.

  3. the strips are a LOT easier.