Best Mother's Day post

Sheila's mother sounds lovely and wonderful and just like a mother should be but so rarely actually is. Much thanks to Sheila for sharing this little story.

The Periwinkle Dishes

Teen Pregnancy, In General

Excellent holiday topic, RIGHT??

Honestly I have no interest in the Spears family specifically, I just think this is an excellent example of a double standard we have in our society. We would prefer that teenagers, but more specifically GIRLS, do not have sex before they are married or at least legally an adult. But we know it will happen anyway, there is little parents can do to prevent it and in a lot of ways sex between teenagers has become socially acceptable. They don't even bother hiding it anymore (when I was a teenager, you HID the fact that you were having sex. Which I was. You didn't talk to everyone about it, dammit. And you didn't let your ass hang out of your jeans! Or your THONG! And we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get to school! Ok, not really. But you get the point.).

So we know this is happening. So some of them are going to get pregnant. Either they don't take proper precautions or they can't figure out how to put the condom on correctly, I DON'T KNOW (hello? Do schools no longer use the bannana method?). But if unplanned pregnancies can happen to adults, then you KNOW it's going to happen to crazed horny teenagers who are way too hormone addled to think straight.

When my mother was young, these girls would be sent away to "stay with a relative" or - if the family had money - "travel abroad" while they had their babies and were then forced to give them up. OR, if they lived in fear of angry parents, they would try to obtain an illegal abortion and possibly die in the process. I'm glad that we don't have that system of shame and danger any longer. The world is a better place for it. I just don't know how you get teenagers to take pregnancy seriously without it. They are old enough to only be scared by real and horrific consequences, they are also at an age when practical consequences like raising a child are less frightening than more abstract consequences like massive public humiliation. But I think the Fire and Brimstone, hide-the-girl-once-she-starts-"showing" approach is wrong. I just don't know what the alternative is.

There is still a lot of shame associated with abortion. I get that and don't really think that's wholly a bad thing (while maybe a sense of gravity might be more appropriate than actual shame). It's a horrific, ugly thing to have to do. I just personally acknowledge that for some people it is the right choice and I prefer to live in a country where it is legal and therefore REGULATED. But I don't think teenage girls should feel like that is what they have to do. I personally know women who had abortions as teenagers that their parents pushed them into. While that may have been better and easier for their parents, it was not necessarily better for them. One woman in particular is still upset over her loss, and it was 20 years ago. Clearly it was not the right choice for her and she should have had options.

But the other option is to have a child when you are yourself a child. That's a difficult road. Some of these girls choose adoption, which I think can be an excellent way to go, but some of them cannot bear to give up their child. That makes sense to me. Were I in those shoes, I don't know if I could do that. How difficult to let go of your child, even if you know it may be best for them. How can you ask that of anyone? It has to be a personal choice.

I know women who look particularly young for their age who find they are given unpleasant looks by strangers when in public with their young children. Because that is the double standard we live with. People look down on the teenage mother who chooses the most difficult road - to keep and raise the child herself. You don't have to BE young to feel that, you just have to LOOK young to know firsthand how poorly people react to it.

We try to teach our children to learn to take responsibility and accept the consequences of their actions.

Then, as a society, we teach teenagers that sex is fun and sells cars and Trojan condoms (or whatever brand has a slick ad right now) are cool and everyone's doing it.

But don't get pregnant.

If you do get pregnant, don't let anyone know.

Hide it, get rid of it, WHATEVER. We, as a society DO NOT want to talk about it. We don't want to know.

If you get rid of it, we REALLY don't want to know about that. If you let it slip that you did THAT, we will hate you for it. For doing what we secretly prefer but forcing us to be AWARE of it.

If you don't hide it or get rid of it, we will treat you differently. We will act like you are beneath us, for the same thing which we would celebrate if you were five years older.... and preferrably married.

We will not acknowledge that you chose to take responsibility and accept the consequences of your actions - like your parents tried to teach you when you were little. Partially because this doesn't fit in with our idea of how the world should be, partially because we're afraid you are contagious and other teenagers wil catch the baby bug and think it is ok.

We will crucify you in order to preserve the sanctity of the teenagers who are not yet pregnant.

We will not acknowledge that this could have happened to any of us when we were 16 or 17 because we were probably having sex at that age, too (we just didn't talk about it so much which, frankly, pisses us off about your generation).

It's a big hypocrisy. It's no win. Once the baby is on the way you have to step back and realize that this girl needs support and the whole world is going to be against her and each and every one of us who smiles reassuringly instead of looking down in judgement is making the world a slightly nicer place (every time you are pleasant to a teenager who is preggers or has babies a fluffy angel kitten gets it's wings, ok?)

Pregnancy is just as hot button an issue as abortion itself, it's just people are more ashamed to admit all the massive issues we have with it. How confused we are about it. Women who want to get pregnant often cannot. Women who don't want to get pregnant often do. You're bad if you get pregnant when you're young or if you're not married, but you're a saint and everyone flutters around you in joyful anticipation if it happens to you when you are older and married. If you do it when you are too old people think you are a freak. If you are too old without ever having done it, people act like something is wrong with you.

Everyone wants to talk about sex and no one wants to talk about unplanned pregnancy. These two topics have more than a little to do with each other so we should probably all start talking about one subject with a little less abandon and the other subject with a little more understanding.

That's all I'm saying.

(Ok. It's out of my system now, I SWEAR.)

I See Here That You Don't Have Any Children

A while ago I injured my lower back. I spent a week on my couch propping up various limbs with pillows, trying in vain to find ANY position that wasn’t excrutiatingly painful and waiting in doctor’s offices in hopes of a solution, a miracle or maybe even just a good night’s sleep in the near future. I went through the same questions again and again. I don't remember injuring my back. I haven't done any heavy lifting. My chair at work IS ergonomic. I don't just sit, I stand up and walk around the office periodically. I have NO IDEA what is wrong with me. My regular physician told me to try different sleeping positions. Seriously. Like “Oh, you wake up crying at 3am because you are in so much pain that you want someone to sever your spine and get it over with? Hmmm. Trying sleeping on your other side.”

Finally, in desperation, I met with a doctor at the local emergency clinic - after another sleepless night and waking to find I needed to walk in a funky hunched position like the hermit crab lady in the Labyrinth. He poked and prodded at my spine, had me lie down on the table and pulled and twisted my feet and finally announced that it was nothing serious. I had a lower back injury that - he said in a puzzled tone - is, "...actually most common in mothers. But I see here that you don't have children."

BINGO.

The moral of the story? Just because a 7 year old is adorable and lays his head on your shoulder like the sweetest, most angelic creature ever to walk the earth DOES NOT mean you should keep picking him up every time you hug him.

I am learning a lot of things these days that no one ever mentioned to me about being around children. My back is much improved.

Little Man

My life has been changing a lot lately. Many of the changes have been precipitated by a man. Or, rather, a boy.

I’m not being facetious or insulting when I use the word “boy.” He’s 7 years old.

You see, there are TWO new men in my life. The Guy and the Little Man, his 7 year old son.

For the vast majority of my youth, I did not plan to have children. I didn't really see the logic of choosing to bring someone into your world who, for at least 15 years and possibly for the rest of your life, was consistently going to NEED things from you. I figured that life is hard enough as it is, sans child.

In just the last few years, I started to see that there is, perhaps, value in the experience beyond predictable human narcissism (the "I want to see what a LITTLE ME would be like." routine.) All the same, I did not see my chances of finding someone I wanted to raise a child with as being so great. I also have a fear of experiencing pregnancy (not childbirth - which bazillions of women have suceeded at before me so I must be capable of it as well - specifically an issue with pregnancy. I guess I watched Alien too many times). I was very settled into my single-gal routine. When I met The Guy, I did not anticipate it becoming serious. I was not looking for that. When he told me he had a son (one of the first things he told me about himself - he and his ex wife have friendly joint custody of Little Man), I thought it was a plus primarily because I figured it would keep us from spending too much time together or getting too involved. Life so rarely gives us what we expect.

My world is changing. And, in subtle ways, the Little Man is changing me.

He’s the type of child that makes you think, “Oh, SURE. If they were all like this, we’d ALL want to have four or five.” Not long ago we were traveling and our flight was delayed. We had to spend an extra 4 hours waiting around in the airport. At night. It was FAR past his bedtime when we finally boarded the plane. And... He was fine. Patient. Well behaved. Understanding, even. Strangers remarked on it. It was nothing at all like the behavior I had been led to expect from a 7 year old boy. Maybe I've been tragically misinformed. Either that or he's freakishly agreeable.

So I've been taking steps to find room for a child in my life. I went out and bought a set of small glasses. Because it seems silly to serve milk to a 7 year old in a 32 oz. tumbler originally purchased for it's ability to hold large quanities of alcohol. Then I took the floral granny quilt off my extra bed because the Little Man likes red and Ikea had a sale on bedding. I usually get praise for my cream sauces and quiches, but now I'm brainstorming ways to improve my Sloppy Joe's (Although I have been tickled to find that he likes my Pastichio and he actually asks for vegetable soup - See? Weird kid). I experienced this surreal sense of accomplishment the first time I woke up in the morning and packed a brown bag lunch and drove him to camp. I actually passed up an afternoon of margaritas and gossip with friends because that day I preferred to go to the library with my guys. Little Man has started to automatically reach for my hand when we are out in a public place or in a crowd.. and when he does my heart leaps. It's BIZARRE.

I also finally I have someone in my life who values my ability at playing Tak and The Power of Juju.

Last Saturday, The Guy and Little Man spent the night at my house and they brought Little Man's Best Bud (who is also a very nifty kid). I scurried around my house looking for ANYTHING that might appeal to 7 year old boys. BIG SHOCKER - I, as a thirty year old and up-until-recently single woman, had VERY little in the way of stuff that they would think was cool. I had devised a pretty good dinner and picked up fixins for a great breakfast in the morning but as far as activities went I had not planned ahead. I went through my comic collection and managed to pull a short stack of comics that I felt were child appropriate (it's not that I own really obscene comics, but I'm a big prude about exposing children to violence). I found a few sheets of super huge paper that they could draw on and decided to sacrifice my high quality colored pencils to the cause. Basically, I had nothing.

I finished my flight of the bumblebee as they arrived. Little Man proudly led Best Bud to "his" room and pointed out the "cool new red sheets" that had not elicited much comment weeks before when they were presented to him. I showed them the comics, we took Best Bud to meet my pet bunnies, we discussed what we were having for dinner and I showed the boys the HUGE SHELLS of pasta I was about to boil (for stuffed shells).

I stood there, worrying about how insufficient my offerings were and nervously watching the boys peek at the pasta shells and chatter about the bunnies.

Then Best Bud turned and looked up at me, his face lit up with
excitement as he enthusiastically proclaimed,

"This is going to be SO FUN."

Now I KNOW I am a changed woman...
because that is officially a Great Moment In My Life.

Nancy Friday

“When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.”

- Nancy Friday

Motherly Advice

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

- Erma Bombeck

A lot of the advice or guidance I have received over the years from the mothers in my life has stuck with me like little word bubbles of wisdom I carry everywhere I go. I say "mothers" plural because I was raised by my mother, my stepmother and my paternal grandmother.

I think it’s something that happens when one becomes a mother - much like the phenomena of their saliva developing the properties of a cleaning agent - mothers extol sage advice and life rules like they’ve been possessed by Confucius. Or Mister Miyagi. If he cared about baking and hemlines.

Ranging from calming words of wisdom to zinging one-liners that add to my personal neuroses, their words stick with me. Like little voices on my shoulder.

“Never apologize unless you mean it. When you say you’re sorry, remember you are also saying you are going to try to never do it again.”


“We don’t have much, but there are people who have it harder than we do. It’s our duty to help people who are in greater need than we are.”


“Fix your bra strap. It’s tacky to let your bra strap show.”


“Consider how you would feel in the other person’s place.”


“Women should always wear hats. Men find a woman in a hat mysterious.”


“Wake up to yourself.”


“A lady wears the same scent at all times. Her scent is her signature.”


“Can you do anything about it? Is it something you have control over? Well, then don’t worry about it.”


"Nothing will make your house smell better than freshly baked homemade bread."


“Don’t forget your siblings. Whatever else happens, you have each other.”


“It’s a tremendous advantage in this life to be able to speak well. Not everyone has the knack for it. You do. Take advantage of it.”


"How clothing fits makes all the difference in the world."


“Sometimes the best relationships are the ones where you’re NOT head-over-heels.”


“Prepare things ahead of time - don’t spend your whole party in the kitchen away from your guests.”


“A sense of humor is important. You don’t want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t have a sense of humor.”


“Take care of your parents. They took care of you.”

(My grandmother said this one, obviously.)

“You have to be able to laugh at yourself.”


“Remember where you came from.”

Waterproof Headgear

“When my mother found my diaphragm,
I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.”

- Liz Winston

“Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

- Elizabeth Stone

Yesterday someone I know got a phone call from a friend to pass along terrible news. The son of a mutual aquaintance was killed while serving in Iraq. My friend has a son the same age. He's a headstrong young man and a constant source of frustration for his parents. Stunned at the awful news, she went in to check on him. As is typical, he was still sleeping in his bed although it was late in the morning. Returning to the kitchen, all she could think to say (with a strange sense of relief instead of the usual irritation) was, "Ours is asleep in his bed."

It must be a constant conflict for the parents of a young adult. To want them to go into the world and become something, but to fear the danger that can come with that.

I can only imagine.

Mom Knows Everything

“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like, how did my mother know that?”

- Wendy Liebman



The kitty in the photo is named Riley. He (and this photo) belong to The Goddess Kristin and her hubby. I don't know them, but I have included a link to their website if you click the photo (more funny photos of Riley).

If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power.”

- Maya Angelou

My mom is wonderful and amazing and I adore her. So do my sisters. So I want you to understand that the following story is related with the utmost respect for my mother, perfect hurricane that she can be. She has raised more children than I would ever have agreed to, earned a Master's Degree in her chosen field, takes amazing care of my grumpy and rapidly aging grandparents and completely redecorated her house five times in the last year. She is a force of nature. She loves her kids no matter what stupid crap we do. She makes a killer baked mac and cheese and can guide you through roasting the perfect turkey via phone across thousands of miles WHILE making her own Thanksgiving dinner. She is not a woman to be trifled with. But let's face it, no matter how much you love your mother, she is also one of the people most capable of making you crazy (...she is, incedentally, in this respect just like your sisters).

My sister is going to miss a family event because she already has a plane ticket to visit a friend for the weekend in question. The (expensive) plane ticket was purchased for her by that friend as a gift BEFORE we had any idea when the family event was taking place. This has necessitated a great many phone calls, emails and confusing messages betwixt my sister and parents. It has also resulted in my father calling to make sure I will DEFINITELY be in attendance, well, roughly 243 times at last count.

The following is a slightly edited version of my sister's last phone conversation with mom. I don't know about everyone else out there, but when my mom wants you to do something she knows that nothing works like guilt. Just like homemade apple pie and comfort food casseroles - this is something NO ONE can make the way that mom does.

(The dog's name has been removed to protect the innocent as the dog is in no way responsible for the following.)


So my sister calls mom and says...

Sis: Hey! I was thinking of coming to visit since I start my new job next week.

Mom: Well, we're very busy with [blameless dog]’s medical problems. But it WOULD be nice to see you.

Sis: I thought that since I can't come to [family event], I should try and see you before I'm tied up at the new job.

Mom: It’s a shame you can't come. I mean, the date HAS been set for a year.

Sis: You told me about it a month ago.  And then you said no one was going.

Mom: Well, you know it’s important to your father. He was counting on you coming.

Sis: How was I supposed to KNOW? If it was such a big deal, why wasn't I told the dates?

Mom: Don't worry about it. I'm sure he's not angry with you.

Sis: What?!?

Mom: I know you and [your friend] are close, but this is your family.

Sis: I WAS GOING TO COME. YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME THE CORRECT INFORMATION.

Mom: It's not MY thing. It's your Dad's. I don't care.

Sis: ...

Mom: I suppose if you want to visit I could transfer some money into your account for gas.

Sis: I didn't call to ask for money. I just wanted to let you know I was coming up tomorrow.

Mom: We have a new sleeper couch! You can stay with us!

Sis: Well, I talked to [my sister], maybe I could split the nights.

Mom: If you think that's a good idea. Our house is full with your brother in town.

Sis: Okay, so I'll stay with her. She offered to help with gas, so I'll be in good shape.

Mom: Well, I can transfer some money later today.

Sis: I. Did. Not. Call. About. Money.

Mom: Hey, did I give you [insert movie title here] for Christmas?

Sis: Yes.

Mom: I saw part of it on tv, can you bring it?

Sis: The DVDs aren't unpacked, but I'll look.

Mom: (suddenly rushed) I have to go, I'm at the store. I'll talk to you soon. Love you!

Sis: Love you too.

It is important to note that in this one conversation Mom manages to be passive-agressive, apply liberal amounts of guilt, use my sister's fear of disappointing our father, semi-accuse my sister of only calling because she needs money, give and then recind an offer of sleeping space, make a rapid subject change to end the discussion AND suddenly become too busy to talk. She is a talented woman, Mom is. I think if she could get away with it she would do the whole, "(ffffttttttt bzzzzzz fffftttttt) I'm sorry you're breaking up. (ffffttttttt bzzzzzz fffftttttt) I can't hear you..." routine when she's tired of talking and just hang up.

Now, from my mother's point of view this phone conversation sounded COMPLETELY different. To my mother, it involved my sister being unreasonable and wanting gas money and not being sufficiently concerned about my father's feelings. It probably had not only different punctuation but entirely different content. I realize that. But I can't help it. I think it's HI-LAR-ious. I nearly peed I was laughing so hard about this - I have had THIS EXACT SAME conversation with my mom about something or another (hasn't everyone?).

Conversations like this are the reason that, when I watch Home for the Holidays, I think of my family. You love them. And they're insane. And they make YOU crazy. That's why they're family.

May, by the way, is mother month here at Dame. For the obvious reason.