In My Mind

The longer I live, the more I realize how little I know.

I look back at old entries on here and am struck by how much I have changed in five years. How wrong I was about some things, how far some of my ways of thinking have shifted. I wasn't a teenager when I started writing here. I was 30. And even still, my view of the world has altered. The self that I am now is far less convinced she has anything to teach anyone else. I'm a work in progress. There is so much I do not know.

A long time ago I wrote a list of qualities I wanted, a post about the Woman I Want To Be. It was a long list. It had somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 items on it. The woman I am now has accomplished some of these things (I have adventurous hair. I pay my bills on time. I am more patient. I travel a great deal more...)

But my priorities have shifted.

And my goals have become simpler.

I want to be kind.

I want to learn to be content.

I want to be good at sharing my life with someone.

I want creating to be a part of my daily life.

The rest will figure itself out. Or it won't. But the stress I have created within myself to meet some vague ideal had never been fulfilling or fruitful. The constraints I have put on myself because of my own fears or my need to fit into some image of perfect that I assumed other people had... they have taken me nowhere.

At the rate I am going I may just be completely self-aware and centered and actualized by the time I'm 70. I think I'm kind of okay. At 70? Clearly I will be freaking awesome.

Some part of me wants to remove old entries. Erase foolishness, broad proclamations, a tone that implies a high opinion of my own knowledge and understanding of the world... But it's all a part of the journey, right? I keep running headfirst into the world (or, to be fair, sometimes the world runs headfirst into me) and getting battered and bruised and coming back thinking, "That hurt like hell. But I learned something." Which is good.

Even when what I learn is that I know so little.

That's okay, too.

___________________________


When I'm struggling with it, listening to this gets me right on track.

It's the funniest thing, because I don't think the person I was 5 years ago would have appreciated this song in NEARLY the same way.

"It's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be."

– Amanda Palmer


Yes.

Things They Don't Write How-To Books For

I hope none of you are ever caught smack in the middle of a horrific tragedy that makes newspaper headlines. And if you are, then chances are it will only happen once.

I've had two happen in my life - roughly only a year apart (the second of the two was over a year ago now). I feel a bit like I have the lay of the land. I could write a book, but that's so time consuming. Instead I'm going to chronicle some of my thoughts here. You know, where it's messy and unorganized and will never get snag me an advance from a publisher. How's that for brains?

Actually, that's the first thing I learned:

1) Don't expect your brain to be fully present. Be prepared when it goes on hiatus for a bit. Don't feel dumb when you can't form complex sentences, but also - don't operate heavy machinery. Or try to balance your checkbook alone...

In fact, when you have survived a horrific tragedy, and everyone asks how they can help, here is the best advice I have for you: hand your checkbook or your debit card to your nearest, dearest and most trustworthy friend or relative. Give them your bills. Tell them to pay what is necessary and give you the remaining cash in increments. I'm not even kidding. You should not be trusted with money or expected to do math after a tragedy and NO ONE thinks about that. I still have no idea what I did with my May 2009 paycheck. I think I bought some food. And maybe clothing to wear to memorials. And... um... yeah. I got nothing. I have NO IDEA what I spent money on. I just didn't care. At all. I'm still trying to catch up on debts that were ignored and went unpaid during the first several months.

2) Buy a mild sedative (unless you are suffering from dangerous levels of depression). Take it at 9pm every night. I don't care how busy you are. You need rest and if you don't do this you are going to end up like me - awake at 1am on a weeknight making lists because you have forgotten how to sleep. It ain't pretty. I mean it. It's going to take years for the bags under my eyes to go away. Small birds could nest in the hollows beneath my eyes. The sleep deprivation does NOT help you regain brainpower. Take a pill. Get some sleep. Later, when you are ready to heal, you will stop taking them and start dreaming again and blah blah blah healing blah.

3) Even the nicest reporter is not your friend. Everything is on the record. I'm going to write a lengthy post about this at some point, but just remember - even a genuinely well-intentioned reporter (and they DO exist) may misquote you. If you speak to the media, do the following (even though you will sound like an idiot in person when you do this):

Think very carefully about exactly what you want to say.

Say very little.

Pause as long as you need to to come up with the shortest and least complex sentence possible.

Speak at a reasonably slow pace and speak clearly - they cannot quote what they cannot understand or, in some cases, write down (but they can more easily misquote it).

End the conversation as soon as you have said what it is most important to say, no matter what. Even if it means being rude and saying, "Thank you for continuing to respect our privacy" and then just walking off.

You can stop ANY time you feel like it.

An interview isn't a conversation. It feels like it, but do NOT forget that you aren't just talking to someone - you're giving them material. And MOST important - Accept that they WILL get some of it wrong anyway. Even if they mean well. Even if they WRITE it accurately, their editor may cut out half a paragraph that changes EVERYTHING. Be prepared for that.

4) If you choose NOT to talk to the media, you are choosing not to have your voice heard. That's okay. They're going to get it wrong to some degree no matter what. But you need to accept that if you choose not to speak to the press, then you are choosing to keep your point of view to yourself. So, when your perspective and feelings are not represented (or accurately represented) in the media coverage, you need to be ready for that and know that you made that choice. Sometimes NOT talking to the media is as bad as talking to them. You aren't betraying a dead friend if you speak to a reporter. If you knew them better than anyone else, you're probably the person who wants to talk to the press the LEAST. You may, however, also be the best person to describe what your lost loved one was actually like. You may sit at home pissed off while people who did NOT know your friend that well are talking to the press. Neither choice is right. Neither choice is going to make things okay. Even the best news story is not very comforting. But recognize that whether or not you speak to the media - you are making a choice and you need to be ready for what that choice means.

5) There is no wrong reaction. The hardest thing to do sometimes is to figure what you need. What you actually want. If someone you love has died in the tragedy in question, then nothing is going to make that feel better. Except maybe time. Everyone has unique needs and one of the hardest things is seeing what you have to or need to do and accepting that. Conversely, if a lot of other people in your life who are effected by the tragedy - realize that they may have needs and reactions that you do not understand. Their reactions are valid, too. Even if they're weird or irritating. If they bother you, put some distance there, but don't punish other people who are also suffering for their reactions. Vent to a third party but it is important to get through difficult times without increasing someone else's suffering. This is the case with ALL tragedy, but it is magnified when there is media scrutiny. You start to feel like your emotions are supposed to fit some set course - because it's so public and others are SO aware of what is going on. It increases the pressure to "act normal" in a situation where there IS NO NORMAL. So just know that that is okay. You don't have to experience or cope with this in any particular way. Do what you need to do.

Honestly, if a large group of people are experiencing the same loss - the part about trying not to increase other people's suffering at all is dang near impossible. But try. When people are reacting to trauma they all have different needs. Be there for the people you love, but also locate some friends or family who are NOT sharing your loss. I don't care if you have to call someone you haven't talked to in ten years. I guess that would be #6...

6) Have at LEAST one person (preferably more) in your life who has not experienced the same trauma. Sounds easy, right? Well - depends on the scope of the trauma. But seriously - FIND someone. Like actually designate them. Let them KNOW. You are going to need to have someone around or someone you can call who has not ALSO just experienced this devastating loss. It took me forever to figure that out. You can't just lean on people who are also in the middle of healing and you need people you can trust - because acquaintances are not the best people to depend on when someone you love is in the news.

People can be surprisingly odd and unintentionally callous when, instead of just dealing with, "Oh your friend died, that's terrible." they are dealing with, "Your friend died and it's on the national news and the camera crews were right down the street from where I work and..." Yeah. Choose carefully, but find a non-trauma buddy. Someone who isn't excited about the fact that the newspaper reporter wants to interview you. If you stick with fellow survivors, then not everyone's needs will get met and some damage can be done. When massive, bizarre, life altering tragedy strikes - try to find at least one person to stand by you who isn't a fellow "victim." Even if that person is your awesome new therapist (**I HIGHLY recommend finding a good therapist!).

7) When you can, define your situation for the people outside your trauma. Basically, provide "Clif notes" to them. This is actually a good rule when dealing with a lot of types of tragedy - not just news-story horrific level stuff. But... remember that not everyone who matters to you is going to "get" it. And their ability to understand the level of impact the trauma has had on you does NOT mean they are a bad person or that they do not love you. Maybe they aren't imaginative. Maybe they've never experienced any sort of trauma. Maybe they are just human and have bad crap happening to them, too - smaller stuff than in your world, maybe - but still damn big in their world.

I learned to tell people in my life things along the lines of, "I am not okay. I may look okay and act okay sometimes, but I'm not really okay yet. I may not be okay for a long time. This _________ is what happened to me - in practical terms, that is what I experienced. That's a lot to process. I need you to try to remember that I'm always thinking about that, too. Don't give me a free pass to be a jerk or anything. But just be aware that that is part of what is happening inside me. All the time. So if I forget things or I don't reach out a lot - It's not that I don't care. It's that I'm still healing and I have a lot to work through."

It kind of feels like having to explain to the people you love that you were fully functional, but now part of your brain is gone. And you're sorry. And you don't actually know if it's going to come back.

But the things is, they DON'T KNOW unless you tell them. You may be really lucky and be surrounded by people who are incredibly empathetic and just pick up what's going on with you easy as can be. But this is the real world, so I'm thinking that's unlikely. If you talk to the people you love, even in the most rudimentary way, about where you are at and what you are still working through - that gives them some perspective and reminds them that you DO still love and need them. You just don't have complete access to your brain right now.

8. If you can, find ways to laugh. At least try. Again, good advice in all traumatic situations, but more so if it's something SO outside of normal experience (violent act, natural disaster, freak accident) that you have to process both the loss AND a horrific foreign experience. If someone has died, find someone else who knew them who will talk with you about the funny, stupid or weird things about your lost loved one - not just the simple, nice stuff. ESCAPE by watching a funny movie. DO something completely silly. One night shortly after the shooting, a bunch of my friends came over to my house and one of the guys - a big, butch guy's guy in the group - shows up with a hair highlighting kit. He let us highlight his hair. He was walking around with this silly cap on and strands of hair sticking out everywhere and, while my heart was so heavy, it made me see that there would be good again and there would be laughter again. It reminded me that the friend I had lost would want me to be able to smile - and would be laughing himself if he saw this big tough guy with a women's hair processing kit being used on his head (this man is one of my personal heroes).

Finding ANY joy and ANY normalcy kept me from losing my mind. When the world feels like it makes NO sense, the best thing you can do for yourself is find anything at all to laugh about. Or help someone else heal by giving them something to laugh about.

_________________________

These are the basics as I see them right now. I'm sure I will think of other things. Hindsight is 20/20. I think it was oddly helpful to me and the friends I went through the second tragedy with that I had had some previous experience with trauma in a public arena. I was better prepared for the media. I was more acclimated to the whole idea that terrible things actually happen to real people. On the whole, the big trick is to allow yourself to slow down. Take things one at a time. Don't rush any decisions that you don't have to. I know you don't have much choice about funeral arrangements. When you are involved in the memorial, those things have to be done. So you do them. But everything else can wait. And that's okay.

And last but not least - I hope no one I know ever needs any of this advice. If nothing else, though - rules 3 and 4 are really good to keep in mind during all media interaction.

Just in case, btw - to reiterate - I realize many of you put two and two together and will know which tragedies I am speaking of - which is fine. I just don't want this post or my blog linked to or mentioned in conjunction with anything that identifies my friends or the incidents in question. I hope my own awful experiences can be helpful to others, so I certainly want the advice or ideas passed on, but I don't want media-circus-gawker traffic. I appreciate your consideration.

Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire Revisited

As I mentioned yesterday, I've wrote my original post regarding Vanity Fair’s Proust Questionnaire a while ago.

Then I answered it here.

But that was four years ago. A lot has happened in four years. So I've been working on doing it again. As a little exercise. Just to see how much I've changed.

As I said before, the trick is to answer honestly with yourself - not trying to impress your potential reader. I actually also keep a file of these from old issues of Vanity Fair, so I'm thinking I may pull some of them out and scan them in to share in the coming months. I love reading what Tom Waits and Edward Gorey and Shirley MacLaine had to say. It's fascinating to me.

The Questionnaire:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Freedom from material worry ...and living in an enormous house surrounded by the people I love.

What is your greatest fear?
To die without having done everything

What historical figure do you most identify with?
I'm not sure I identify with anyone

Which living person do you most admire?
Tom Waits

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
my need to be liked

What trait do you most deplore in others?
Pretension... and being quick to judge

What is your greatest extravagance?
Time. When I let myself have any.

On what occasion do you lie?
To protect someone

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My size... I'm not big, but I yearn to be tiny.

What is your favorite journey?
from knowing nothing about someone to knowing everything

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
stoicism... and chastity

Which living person do you most despise?
Glenn Beck

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Awesome." "I'm sorry."

What is your greatest regret?
the time I didn't spend with the loved ones who are now gone

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Until now... the man who climbed Mount Desert Island with me and caught me when I fell coming back down...

But my life isn't over yet. And I have hope.

When and where were you happiest?
In a hotel room in Boston watching someone sleep roughly a decade ago

In Western Australia, driving to see my Aunt and Uncle in Perth with my fantastic, absurd, brilliant 18 year old Aussie cousin who is like my long-lost brother and realizing I was somewhere I belonged.

Which talent would you most like to have?
To be a tremendous athlete and dancer

What is your current state of mind?
ready

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would be more athletic and more motivated.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Christmas

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
probably a worried little hen. Or a bear.

If you could choose what or who to come back as, what would it be?
A great dancer

What do your consider your greatest achievement?
The lives I have had a positive impact on

What is your most treasured possession?
My grandmother's engagement ring

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Witnessing the death of a friend or loved one who is not yet old

What is your most marked characteristic?
my red hair, my (almost compulsive) need for everyone to be happy and safe and okay

What is the quality you most like in a man?
decisiveness, honor, kindness

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
warmth, confidence, kindness

What do you most value in your friends?
loyalty, a lack of judgment, acceptance

Who are your favourite writers?
A.A. Milne, Tom Robbins, Terry Pratchett, Harlan Ellison, Jane Austen, Cormac McCarthy

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Jamie Fraser
(Go ahead, make fun. I don't care.)

Who are your heroes in real life?
One of my friends who died last year - she ran toward danger when every other person was running away. I hope to have that strength of character in my life in the moments when I have no time to think about my choices.

What are your favourite names?
Christopher, Grace, Gabriel, Michael, Dougal, Colin, Lorelei...

What is it that you most dislike?
getting out of bed on a rainy morning, yelling of any sort

How would you like to die?
Many decades from now, in the arms of someone who loves me

What is your motto?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting their own battle.

I didn't re-read the old one first and looking at them both - some things obviously have knee-jerk automatic answers... But I feel like so much has changed. I love this exercise. Sometimes so much happens that you come out the other end different. I think I am different. But in a good way. Or at least mostly in good ways.

It's kind of reassuring to look at the changes in yourself and walk away from it thinking that, on the whole, you're happy with them.

The Dame Questionnaire!

I'm working on answering the Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire again. Now, I'm no Proust (then again, when it comes to questionnaires, neither was Proust. The Proust questionnaire is famously named for him because he ANSWERED two questionnaires rather notably when he was young - not because they were his idea). OBVIOUSLY. But working on that questionnaire got me thinking. I have questions. I have a lot of questions, actually. I narrowed them down to the ones I would most like to ask, the ones I would submit to someone, were it socially acceptable, upon first meeting them. Some of the ones that are most interesting to me.

I realize it's very presumptuous to put together a questionnaire, but these are just some of the the things I wonder about how and why people tick. I'd love it if someone chose to answer (post me a link, or if you don't have a blog - you're welcome to answer in my comments), but I'll probably just use it as an inventive new way to harass my sister. I can email her the questions to her one at a time when I'm having a slow day at work. I wonder how many I can send before she calls to ask why I'm torturing her with my incessant questioning.

Also: I am going to post links when people let me know they have answered the questionnaire - so you can view answering blog posts to the dame Questionnaire at:
The Chick Voice's At Altitude
cookiegeisha at The Death of Glitter
Lenore Kay at Pugs Can't Fly

Ideally - answer as simply, as quickly, and as honestly as possible. That's where the fun really lies in a questionnaire. In having an honest conversation with yourself.

Dame's Questionnaire

(imagine jazz hands here... and maybe a snappy drum intro)

What fictional person, place or thing would you make real, were it in your power?

What do you find comforting?

What makes you almost hold your breath in excitement?

What offends you?

What always makes you smile?

How are you in a crisis?

What is your most unusual or rare quality?

What woman has had the strongest impact on your life?

What fictional character did you love most or identify most closely with as a child?

What's the strangest job you ever had?

What's the hardest job you ever had?

If you could relive any moment in your life, which would it be?

Who was your first crush on?

What song makes your heart sing?

What book do you never tire of?

If you could live in a book, which book would it be?

What film have you watched the most times?

What film do you quote most often?
(Actually quote, not wish you were clever enough to quote regularly and INTEND to quote. What do you ACTUALLY quote?)

What film's dialog do you love most?

What poem or line of poetry resonates with you most strongly?

What famous quote do you repeat or refer to most frequently?

If you could (or had to) freeze your physical self at one age, what would it be?

What view would you choose if you could have any view from your bedroom window?

What one thing would you give to everyone you know if you could?

If you could be a tremendous success at any one thing, what would it be?

What, if anything, do you hesitate to do for fear of looking silly or being laughed at?

Who would you choose if you could talk to anyone who is no longer alive for an hour?

If you wrote your will, who would you leave your most prized possession to?

What sentence did you never say to someone, but wish you had?

What do you most like getting the opportunity to say?

When have you laughed the longest or the most?

Whose face is your favorite face?

Where do you feel safest?

When do you feel most yourself?

What makes you nostalgic?

What is the best lesson you have learned in life?

I pared this down by a few questions because I felt it was too long. And too repetitive. I'd ask you 50 questions about film and never tire. Also, I can only email my sister so many questions before she just goes insane... ;)

My Life Through One Artist's Work

Totally snagged this off of Alex. How brilliant! I'm usually iffy about these things, but this one has me tickled.

The instructions are:
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

Pick Your Artist:

Tom Waits


Are you male or female:
Rosie

Describe yourself:
Trampled Rose

How do you feel about yourself:
Fumblin' With The Blues

Describe your current boy/girl situation:
I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You

Describe where you currently live:
Way Down In The Hole

If you could go anywhere you wanted to go:
Good Old World

Your favorite form of transportation:
Downtown Train

Your best friend is:
Old Shoes (And Picture Postcards)

Your favorite color is:
The Black Rider

Favorite time of day:
Midnight Lullaby

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called:
The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)
or maybe
Frank's Wild Years

What is life to you:
Shore Leave

What is the best advice you have to give:
I Don't Wanna Grow Up

"Well, God bless your crooked little heart,
St. Louis got the best of me
I miss your broken-china voice
How I wish you were still here with me
Well, you build it up, you wreck it down
You burn your mansion to the ground
When there's nothing left to keep you here,
When you're falling behind in this big blue world
Oh you got to Hold on, hold on, You got to hold on
Take my hand, I'm standing right here
You got to hold on"
- Tom Waits, Hold On

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. The family, the food, the fact that it's all about gathering and has nothing to do with presents. To me, Thanksgiving is about coming home or creating home. It's about finding the family in your life, whether or not they are related to you, and celebrating that. It's about needing people and creating for people. For me, when Thankgiving is at it's best, it is the most joyous of all times.

In light of my affection, I think the Thanksgiving movie category is much underappreciated, whilst Hollywood churns out crappy Christmas flicks ad nauseum. So I have made a list of my Top Five Thanksgiving film recommendations. Led, of course, by a film I mention FAR too often:

1. Home for the Holidays, 1995

"On the fourth Thursday in November, 84 million American families will gather together... And wonder why."
Everything goes wrong in Claudia Larsen's life on the day she is boarding a plane to return to her childhood home for Thanksgiving. The next 36 hours are spent coping with craziness, trying to understand her family and reevaluating her life. Features: Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft, Charles Durning, Gerldine Chaplain. Robert Downey Jr., Dylan McDermott, David Strathairn

Because her family is crazy. And wonderful. And totally familiar to everyone no matter how close or distant your own family is. It is to dysfunctional families what Big Fat Greek Wedding is to huge families. Probably not child appropriate. Very funny. Very life affirming. Very oh-my-god-someone-gets-what-it's-like-to-deal-with-my-family. One of my favorite films of all time.

"Nobody means what they say on Thanksgiving, Mom. You know that. That's what the day's supposed to be all about, right? Torture." - Claudia Larsen (played by Holly Hunter)

2. Pieces of April, 2003

"She's the one in every family."
21-year-old April Burns (Katie Holmes) who lives with her boyfriend Bobby (Derek Luke) in a dilapidated tenement on New York City's Lower East Side. April has never been on good terms with her mother, Joy (Patricia Clarkson), but Bobby convinces her to host her family for Thanksgiving. Features: Katie Holmes, Derek Luke, Oliver Platt, Patricia Clarkson, Alice Drummond, Lillias White, Isiah Whitock, Jr., Sean Hayes. Patricia Clarkson was nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her role as April's mother.

Because sometimes family sucks. Sometimes the people who come through for you are not who you would expect. And that's wonderful. And human. And SO what Thanksgiving is all about as far as I'm concerned. Not child appropriate. Ultimately very positive and life affirming, but takes it's time getting there.

April Burns: "I'm the first pancake."
Evette: "What do you mean?"
Eugene: "She's the one you're supposed to throw out."

"Once, there was this day... this one day when... everyone realized they needed each other." - April Burns (played by Katie Holmes)

3. The House of Yes, 1997

"Enter at your own risk."
The movie is based on the play of the same name, which is written by Wendy MacLeod. Set on Thanksgiving Day 1983, the film involves NYC student Marty Pascal (Josh Hamilton)'s return to his family's suburban Washington D.C. mansion to introduce his fiancée, Lesly (Tori Spelling), to the family—including his mother (Geneviève Bujold), brother Anthony (Freddie Prinze, Jr.), and twin sister Jacqueline (Parker Posey), who prefers to be known as "Jackie-O", due to her obsession with the former first lady. The holiday begins a rapid downward spiral from the moment Jackie-O learns her brother is engaged.

Because nothing says "neurotic holiday" like Parker Posey doing the slo-mo beauty queen Jackie-O wave to an imaginary crowd from her living room couch. Not for the faint of heart. Not appropriate for kids... or most grandparents... or, well, A LOT of people. Not a happy movie, but brilliantly, bitingly funny.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go baste the turkey and hide the kitchen knives." - Mrs. Pascal (played by Geneviève Bujold)

4. Addams Family Values, 1993

A comic Gothic horror-type family tries to rescue their beloved uncle from his gold-digging new love. Featuring: Anjelica Huston, Raul Julia, Christopher Lloyd, Joan Cusack, Christina Ricci, Carol Kane, Peter MacNicol, Christine Baranski, Nathan Lane, and (everyone's favorite bubble-brain vampire in a far more wholesome role) Mercedes McNab

Because my all-time favorite on film Thanksgiving moment is Wednesday Addams chastising the yuppies for the plight of the Native Americans. Not a Thanksgiving film but has that great Thanksgiving scene. Essentially positive... appropriate for children old enough not to misinterpret the humor.

"We cannot break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs." - Wednesday Addams (Christina Ricci, in the role she was born to play)

5. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, 1973

Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving, and with Linus, Snoopy, and Woodstock, he attempts to throw together a Thanksgiving dinner.

Because it's the classic I've watched since I was a child. Perfect for all ages!

Charlie Brown: "I can't cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast."
Linus van Pelt: "That's right. I've seen you make toast."


What other holiday presents you with such an array of wacky options?

On the Big Day, my sister and I are also going to watch Clue. 'Cause it is also about people who are connected to each other coming together for a big meal... just under slightly different circumstances. And, anyway, Tim Curry rocks. And so does Madeline Kahn.

I LOVE Thanksgiving.

The Woman I Want To Be

“Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

- Albert Einstein

The holiday season is months away and yet today I purchased the first of the many gifts I will give this year.

It has finally happened. I have started my shopping early.

This is one item on a long list of things The Woman I Want To Be would do. I think we all have this list. Even if it isn't conscious. Now I am NOT talking about The Woman We Think We Are Supposed To Want To Be. She of the 18" waist, fast-track career, sweater sets that match her expensive Italian leather loafers and well behaved 2.5 children. I don't want to be HER. Magazines tell us that we should strive for those qualities and most women go through years of learning to walk away from that bizarre cookie cutter ideal our culture is so sold on.

The Woman I Want To Be is a completely different matter. She is me, only more so. She remembers the things I forget. She has all my values, but manages to live up to them far better than I. She does the things I dream about doing. I aspire to be her... hopefully by the time I am 50 or 60 I will have become a reasonable facsimile. It's like an internal system of goals, both practical and ephemeral. I think a lot of women struggle with these things (the big things and the little ones) ...and assume our peers have them under control. Someone told me once that I am "so together" and "have things figured out." I laughed when it occurred to me that if I SEEM that way to someone - while I am trying to BE that way - then many of the other women who I think have it all under control are probably just as nutty and imperfect as I am.

That realization is oddly reassuring.

The Woman I Want To Be will:

Be patient.

Travel often.

Get her Christmas shopping done early.

Send birthday, holiday and thank you cards.

Be more fit than I am now, but not obsessive.

Pay all her bills on time.

Have read everything.

Always look put together.

Bake often.

And give baked goods away.

And not just on holidays.

Know where the heck the tweezers and nail clippers are.

Have adventurous hair.

Be friendly to strangers (strangers freak me out).

Build a family.
Who like each other.

Finish the projects she starts.

Be self-employed or at the very least set her own hours.

Be completely at home in her own skin.

Write on a regular basis.

Have a stronger grasp on Geography.

Know how to drive stick.

Maintain a manicure.

Learn not to buy cheap shoes.

Keep abreast of current events.

Learn not to overextend herself.

Take the extra 20 minutes in the morning to slow down, make a cup of coffee, apply lipstick and fix her hair.
(almost have this one down)

Maintain clean but comfortable home.
(...One with extra bedrooms ready for out-of-town guests, an attic for children to explore and a large warm kitchen overlooking a vegetable garden.)

Not give a rat's behind what anyone else thinks.

Make perfect Tiramisu.

I'm trying to be realistic and not put too much pressure on myself, though. It's good to start with simple, practical goals. So, does anyone have a great recipe for Tiramisu? Falling short of that, does anyone know where I put the tweezers?

Desert Island, All-Time, Top Five Women In Film

If for no other reason, then at least thanks to Nick Hornby , we are all familiar with the Desert Island All-Time Top Five. Long a popular concept, he cemented it's place in pop culture by featuring it in his book High Fidelity which was adapted into a tremendously popular film (which I love) and, therefore, dispensed to the masses.

I've always loved making those lists. If you could only take five albums (and, presumably, a device with which to play them) to a desert island on which you would be stranded - which five would you choose? Which five books? Which five films released before 1980? You get the idea. We've all played this game in one form or another. Categories get progressively more specific the longer you talk about it, and people have posted lists on wildly varying themes.

This is mine.

My Desert Island, All-Time, Top Five Portrayals of Women in Film

I'm not saying that these are THE definitive films of this nature. They just do it for me. Films about women I can respect, women I can understand. Portrayals of women that I would want my daughter to see. They are also all movies I could watch over and over again on a desert island without ever growing tired of them. These are women I want to watch.

1. Alien, 1979

Ripley was written to be a man. In the original script, while the writers used androgynous names to imply that most roles were essentially unisex, they never considered Ripley being cast as a woman. A strong female lead in science fiction or action films was, at the time, practically unheard of. Instead of a classic male lead, however, the young, statuesque Sigourney Weaver stepped into the role of the sole survivor of the Nostromo, changing the genre forever. Yes, I prefer this first film to the tremendously popular sequel, Aliens. Why? Because the sequel makes it about Ripley’s maternal instincts. The final battle of Aliens casts her as the raging protective mother guarding her adopted cub. In Alien Ripley wants at first to hold her crew together and maintain control of her ship and, in the end, is simply struggling to live.

Alien isn’t about a woman, it’s about a human being - a feat rarely accomplished in film since this landmark casting decision.

Also important to note - Alien shows us a strong female protagonist who is sexual without in any way being weak or filling the exaggerated buxom stereotype. An female action hero living in a harsh, gritty and - new to the genre - grimy vision of the future. A world where the scapeships have mechanics wearing greasy coveralls and the women don't care what their hair looks like.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I should admit that while I STRONGLY prefer Alien to the subsequent films, I own them all. In fact, I own the absurdly extensive Alien Quadrilogy. Ripley is one of my all-time favorite fictional characters and I think Sigourney Weaver is amazing.

2. Under The Tuscan Sun, 2003

The film only holds a vague resemblance to Frances Mayes' popular book, which I am very fond of, but the adaptation has the author's seal of approval. The book was really a chronicle of a house being renovated and Mayes' account of how she fell in love with Italy. It is richly detailed, makes you yearn to travel and has absolutely nothing resembling a plot.

The film stars Diane Lane as a younger, highly fictionalized version of Mayes who is struggling with a divorce. A very messy, unexpected divorce. Watching previews, I assumed the film would be fluff. Far from it, the film is about a woman recovering from tremendous loss, finding strength and hope in the rediscovery of herself, in her friends and in a beautiful foreign country. The director Audrey Wells, who also wrote the screenplay, brings men into Frances' life again and again but refuses to make any of them a "solution." In the end, as in life, she has to find her own happiness before she can find happiness with someone else.

I can watch this movie again and again. I never tire of it. I go on about it a great deal here. Sandra Oh as the best friend in that brilliant platonic life partner sort of way (if you have a friend like this, and I do, you cannot help but be thrilled by the brilliant chemistry between Lane and Oh and how very true to life their friendship is). And as I said in that previous post, "I am particularly in love with the performance of Sasa Vulicevic as one of the Polish men working on her home. He only says a few words in the film and none of them in English, but there is clearly this unspoken adoration he has for Frances that has nothing to do with the story but which adds brilliantly to the richness of the film. His sadness when saying goodbye after the house has been finished just kills me. It’s the little things that make this film great."

I have to go watch this movie again now.

3. Girlfight, 2000

Michelle Rodriguez, in her first film role (in fact, in her first attempt at acting at all), plays an angry young woman who wants to learn to box. Maybe to feel empowered in a world that disregards her, maybe to express the anger that just seethes out her, maybe to prove she has just as much value as her male sibling. But she wants this. Badly. In boxing, her character Diana Guzman finds a place in the world. Finally sees herself as capable.

Apparently Rodriguez was such a natural talent that the trainers who worked with her on the film tried to convince her to go pro. So that part of the film is very real. But director Karyn Kusama will be the first person to tell you that, in using this film as a metaphor for male/female relationships, she had to choose between realism and being true to the intent of her narrative. In order to address some issues fully, Kusama has to have her female lead hold her own against male boxers who, while specified in the film as being in her own weight class and therefore reasonable sparring partners, clearly outweigh her in reality. Without allowing Diana to compete on an even playing field, however, Kusama would have been unable to explore the themes she wished to.

I found the relationship between Rodriguez's character and Paul Calderon as her father really strikingly convincing. Calderon's strong supporting performance is vital to the film as is Rodriguez's ability to communicate a great deal without speaking. Girlfight is a beautiful film. I love it as an intricate character study. I love it as a portrayal of women in sport. I love it as an examination of what happens to personal relationships when women sucessfully compete against men in a traditionally male arena.

4. Muriel’s Wedding, 1994

Toni Colette is a beautiful woman and a tremendously talented actress. Most of us didn't know who she was, however, before she gained 4o pounds to play a lost, underachieving dreamer named Muriel Heslop. Insead of going the traditional route of movieland makeovers, Muriel tells embarassing lies, steals money from her parents, humiliates herself and generally makes a complete disaster of EVERYTHING. And while I sat there in the theater wincing in discomfort, I recognized a grain of myself (and most every woman I know) in those disasters. The things we do when we are young and want too badly to be liked. The foolish things we say when we want more than anything to just fit in. The mistaken belief that a man wanting to marry us means we have greater value.

Muriels' Wedding is the chronicle of a woman making every possible mistake on her way to self discovery. In the end she is not the gorgeous, svelte woman we all know Toni Colette to be. She has lost some weight but only the weight lost inevitably from getting off her duff and getting out into the world. She goes from this horribly awkward girl to a woman who thinks she has it all figured out, having made herself into every one else's idea of a success, and then actually DOES figure her life out and learns that there is far more to succeeding in life than getting a man to walk you down the aisle. It is emotional, much of it is not remotely pretty, and it is uncomfortably honest while also being a bit over the top.

Oh, and there's and awful lot of ABBA. Considering how I feel about ABBA, this is the icing on the cake. A film in which, instead of becoming skinny or popular or getting a big promotion, a woman just becomes a better person. And learns how to be herself. And that might sound like a mundane change, but it's really quite wonderful.

5. The Big Chill, 1983

This may seem an odd choice, but aside from being just about my all-time favorite film, The Big Chill was the first film I saw as a girl that showed a group of men and women who felt completely equal to me. The women were doctors and lawyers as well as homemakers. The group of friends interacted as individuals who were all so different and distinct but completely equal and genuinely loving each other, sharing a genuine and unique bond in which their gender roles were irrelevant. It was also the first time I saw the idea of a single, successful woman conciously planning to get pregnant and raise a child on her own presented in popular media. I knew women could raise babies alone - my own mother was a single parent. But I feel it was a wonderful and significant choice that Kasdan made to present a woman making the CHOICE to do this in his film.

I can watch this film again and again. And beyond the fact that it just speaks volumes about the odd nuances of friendship, it explores human relationships in ways that go beyond gender while acknowledging the women as women. They are equal and sucessful without being sexless. I think this film was, for me, the first time I saw women portrayed as successful professionals in film without showing them one step behind the men, without the film being ABOUT their competition in the workplace. It revolutionized my concept of what adult women could be.

My favorite scene is of Glenn Close on the floor of her shower crying. It reminds you that, in the midst of this nostalgia, these people are grieving. As a group and individually, they are going through something incredibly difficult. I am fond of Glenn Close and it is, in my opinion, the most complex and nuanced performance of her career.

Oh, and my whole life, I've always wanted to live in that house.




And my "runner up" - because I want to include it, but probably wouldn't pick it to watch 20 bazillion times on a desert island because you can ONLY CRY SO MUCH:

6. One True Thing, 1998

In this film, Renée Zellweger’s character is a driven young career woman who has to put her life on hold when her mother, played by Meryl Streep, is diagnosed with cancer. In awe of her father’s (William Hurt) success, Zellweger’s character worships him and, conversely, disdains her mother’s life of raising children and building a home. This film follows a woman leaving behind the illusions of her childhood.

One True Thing deals with an aspect of female relationships and gender roles too rarely addresssed in film. An entire generation of women grew up with only a small number of female role models in their life sucessfully pursuing careers. Our mother’s generation made the choice to enter the workforce, but was struggling against centuries of ill conceived notions about women - and not all of our mothers made that choice. So many women in my generation looked to their father as a role model when reaching adulthood and pursuing a career, leading to an acutely blind form of hero worship. This film is about moving past both our childhood concepts of who our parents are as well as recognizing the value of our mother’s contributions.

AND it makes me cry. A lot. Highly recommended... but maybe not desert island material. What with the dehydration concerns when one is stranded and all.

I'd love to hear other people's top selections. It's not just about the characters themselves, but how they stand up as a representation of women, real women, and what the filmmaker is choosing to say about our sex.

What I Learned from John Hughes

I have a friend who has a pet theory about John Hughes films. He says that John Hughes is responsible for 75% of all the relationship problems our generation has experienced because he destroyed our ability to realistically assess romantic situations and relationships. My friend may be on to something.

I started thinking about the John Hughes films of my teenage years and the impact they had on my impressionable, puberty muddled brain. For the purposes of this review, I consider THE John Hughes films to be:

Sixteen Candles (1984) JH wrote and directed
The Breakfast Club (1985) JH wrote, directed and produced
Weird Science (1985) JH wrote and directed
Pretty In Pink (1986) JH wrote and produced
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) JH wrote, directed and produced
Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) JH wrote and produced


And, for better or worse, this is what I learned:

Just be yourself.

"Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself."
- Matthew Broderick, Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Every Hughes film touches on this. Andie is the quirky, weird girl in Pretty in Pink and WE LOVE HER FOR IT. Garry and Wyatt in Wierd Science meet girls who like them as they are. Ferris Bueller dances to his own drummer. He isn't the star quarterback or president of the student counsel. He has his own unique sense of style... and he's the most popular guy in school. Maybe in the city. He's a freaking legend. In Some Kind of Wonderful, Watts never changes. She stays a tomboy who plays drums and works on cars - and eventually Keith realizes how amazing she is JUST AS HERSELF. John Hughes let us in on the secret that being yourself was really where it was at.

"You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them."
- Kelly LeBrock, Lisa, Wierd Science

Stick to your principles.

"If somebody doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."
- Molly Ringwald, Andie, Pretty in Pink

I swear I learned half of my stubborn willingness to sacrifice anything to stick to my principles from my father and half from John Hughes films. From early on, I knew I should never accept anything less than what I deserved. I never let anyone tell me I wasn't good enough. I have always been honest and direct to a fault. A lot of that is my dad. But a lot of that is Andie and Duckie. And Watts and Keith.

"You remember how I said I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reason than alone for the right one? Well, I'd rather be right."
- Lea Thompson, Amanda Jones, Some Kind of Wonderful

Everyone finds love.

Sam and Jake Ryan. The Athlete and the Basket Case. Andie and Blaine. Keith and Watts. Farmer Ted and Caroline. Duckie and Kristy Swanson. Long Duck Dong and that really tall girl. These films taught us that, no matter who you are, there is someone out there for you. I'm not sure that's really a universal truth, but it's a nice message. It's reassuring. No matter how insecure I was in high school, I never doubted for a moment that someday a boy would love me. Someday an incredibly cute boy was going to come along and realize that I was the most amazing girl he had ever met. John Hughes told me so.

... And everyone just wants to be loved.

"I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?"
- Michael Schoeffling, Jake Ryan, Sixteen Candles

To me, this was brilliant new insight into the world. Beautiful, popular Jake Ryan wanted to find someone to love him just as much as Sam wanted to find that. Claire kisses John Bender in the closet and suddenly he isn't so tough, after all. Blaine may be rich and popular, but what he really needs is for Andie to love him and forgive him. This was a tremendous equalizer. People made a lot more sense once I understood this.

"I believed in you. I just didn't believe in me. I love you. always."
- Andrew McCarthy, Blaine, Pretty In Pink

We're not really all that different.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."
- Emilio Estevez, Andrew / The Athlete, Breakfast Club

Another popular message from Hughes, and probably the most consistent. All of his films lead you back to the idea that the geek and the jock and the rich girl and the tomboy - they all have insecurities. They all screw up. They all worry. They all want someone to love them. They all have imperfect families. They all had problems in high school. It's nice to know.

"Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."
- Judd Nelson, John Bender / The Criminal, The Breakfast Club

The best guys are geeks and/or hard-core individualists.

"I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me."
- Anthony Michael Hall, Farmer Ted, Sixteen Candles

I have JH to thank for a lifetime of falling for the most interesting guy in the room. John Bender. Duckie. Cameron. Keith (I still have SUCH a crush on Eric Stoltz). Pretty boys have their work cut out when it comes to me. Instead, I fall for the rebel, the artist, the geek, the guy who has the guts to wear crazy vintage shoes and knows all the words to "Try A Little Tenderness." Super shy men or men who make me laugh or guys who look like trouble from a mile away. It's never the all-american average joe for me. If something isn't wildly different about him, I'll probably never notice him at all. In a John Hughes film, that character is the most appealing. He taught us to love the oddball.

Oddballs and rebels everywhere owe John Hughes big time.

"I know I'm old enough to be his mother, but when the Duck laid that kiss on me last night, I swear my thighs just went up in flames! He must practice on melons or something."
- Annie Potts, Iona, Pretty in Pink

If you want someone badly enough,
they will love you back.

This is where John Hughes caused a LOT of trouble. Sam pining for Jake Ryan. Garry and Wyatt pining for... well, for ANY actual girl. Andie pining for Blake. Watts pining for Keith. John Hughes taught us that the most unlikely romances can work out, and that WANTING IT seems to be the magic ingredient. As my friend is fond of ranting, this has caused no end of trouble. If wishes were horses then beggars would ride. But they aren't. Crushes don't always work out. Frequently they end in tears instead of candle-lit birthday cakes on top of dining room tables with hunky boys. But Mr. Hughes left that part out.

"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else."
- Paul Dooley, Jim Baker / Sam's Dad, Sixteen Candles

Date and make friends outside your social circle / peer group.

There's just a lot of class line crossover in John Hughes films. The geek boy doesn't fall in love with a geek girl. The criminal doesn't meet a great chick who has a pierced nose and a wicked tattoo. They all find love in the unlikely places. So that's where you're apparently supposed to look. I'm not sure it makes sense to teach teens that Mr. Right is almost never going to be the guy you have everything in common with... but I met a lot of interesting people thanks to it. In the midst of exploring outside my comfort zone for nifty boys, I made many great friends I might never have met otherwise. At least insofar as it applies to making friends (remember Molly Ringwald doing Ally Sheedy's make-up in Breakfast Club? I loved that.), it's sound advice. I just don't think EVERY romance needed to be across class lines. The closest he ever came to bringing two people together who were on the same side of the tracks was Watts and Keith. And I liked them together. But they were the exception to the rule. Which leads me to...

The person you're meant to be with
may be right under your nose.

"Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of long legs."
- Mary Stuart Masterson, Watts, Some Kind of Wonderful

Sometimes the best relationship is the one you end up having with a friend. Maybe instead of looking for the perfect face, you should be looking for an incredible person. Someone who already likes you for who you are. This is the case for Watts and Keith and it was supposed to be the case for Duckie and Andie (and WAS the case in the original ending, but was booed by audiences and didn't serve the rich man / poor man agenda of the film). Honestly, I always figured that Andie was going to regret that one day. It's nice that she got what she wanted and all, but even on his best day, Blaine was no Duck-man. Duckie was the greatest guy EVER. So Pretty In Pink taught me not to make the mistake Andie did, or that Keith ALMOST did. Pay attention, or you might miss out on someone like Duckie. And men like that come along once in a lifetime. If you're lucky.

A certain lack of respect for authority is healthy.

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions."
- Anthony Michael Hall, Brian Johnson / The Brain, The Breakfast Club

Teachers and parents everywhere had John Hughes to thank for low-level rebellion becoming more socially acceptable. Really wild kids were going to act out anyway, but John Hughes taught the tamer kids that questioning authority (and the wisdom of being stuck inside on a perfectly nice sunny day) wasn't really bad. It was just logical. But honestly, John Hughes films are probably the healthiest and safest place for a teen to learn that some rules just need to be broken.

Of course, JH never covered the consequences of rebellion in any detail. He left out the part about how you end up grounded for most of your senior year because your DAD doesn't agree that it's reasonable to skip school to spend the day running around with your beautiful, trouble-maker boyfriend just because it was SUCH a gorgeous day outside...
But I'm not bitter (and, admittedly, don't regret it at all).

"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it."
- Alan Ruck, Cameron, Ferris Bueller's

Relax. Have fun. Spontaneity is it's own reward.

"Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're forty if you don't learn to relax."
- Kelly LeBrock, Lisa, Weird Science

"It's called a sense of humor - you should get one - they're nice."
- John Cryer, Duckie, Pretty In Pink

Value the moment. Enjoy your youth. Do the thing you are afraid to do. The rewards can be great, and if nothing else at least you lived fully. After all, look at Claire and Bender. He kissed her back. There is a lesson the be learned there.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."
- Matthew Broderick, Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Oh, and almost everything happens in Shermer, Illinois.

John Hughes grew up in Northbrook, Illinois. Which was once known as Shermerville. His high school was located on Shermer Road. Thus the fictitious suburban town of Shermer, Illinois is born. An homage to his own home town, Shermer, Illinois is featured as an imaginary suburb of Chicago in several John Hughes movies, including Weird Science, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink and National Lampoon's Vacation. Also, the high schools in The Breakfast Club, Weird Science and Ferris Bueller's Day Off are all named Shermer High School. There's more on Shermer at The John Hughes Files.

This isn't actually something I learned per se.
I just remember being 14 and wanting to know where Shermer, Illinois was.





For a good read about the Jake Ryan Phenomenon visit this post at The Sheila Variations! Ah, Jake Ryan - eternal symbol of hope.

Addendum 8/6/2009: Click here or simply navigate to the post from today to see this entry preceded and followed by additional notes written after Mr. Hughes' passing.

Movie Meme

I am powerless to resist the movie related meme. As is SO often the case, got this from Sheila. And I'm sure I'm leaving out oodles of great stuff but these are what popped to mind.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.
Girlfight • Strictly Ballroom • Under the Tuscan Sun • Der Krieger und Die Kaiserin • The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension • The Breakfast Club • Pretty In Pink • The Big Chill • Grosse Pointe Blank • Moonstruck • Alien • Empire Records • The Chronicles of Riddick • Pride and Prejudice - the 6 hour BBC Miniseries (not exactly a movie but...)

Labyrinth - when I was a preteen, my little sister and I begged my mother to rent this movie EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I have easily seen this film more than 50 times.

Dream a Little Dream - laugh all you want but I loved that movie. The main plot line is essentially an existential dilemma on the part of a old man who has switched bodies with a teenage boy who dresses like Michael Jackson. YES! I LOVE that movie.


2. Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.
Big Fish • A few of the Harry Potter Movies, they’re just better in the theater.


3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO - He’s brilliant. One of the most talented actors working today. I’ve been a huge fan since LONG before his Law and Order days - although I very much enjoy him on L&O. Basically been following his career since he played Thor in Adventures in Babysitting - At the time I was a bit young to be watching Full Metal Jacket which I finally saw a few years later...

... but also Katherine Hepburn • Gene Wilder • Ewan McGregor • Meryl Streep • William H. Macy • Angelina Jolie • Natalie Portman • Peter O’Toole • Hugo Weaving • Jean Reno • Alan Richman • Takeshi Kaneshiro • Liv Tyler • Omar Sharif


4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.
Kirstin Dunst

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from.
Monty Python and Holy Grail (but then, who doesn’t?) • Army of Darkness • Grosse Pointe Blank • Steel Magnolias • Mirrormask - “I’m a very important man. I’ve got a tower.” • ...Too many to mention.


6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers • Moulin Rouge • Chicago • Rocky Horror Picture Show • The Sound of Music • Mary Poppins (does this count as a musical?) • West Side Story • A Chorus Line


7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with
All of the above. Other than musicals? The Legend of Billie Jean. The theme is Pat Benetar’s "Invincible". Cannot watch that movie and not sing along.


8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.
The Big Chill - If you cannot appreciate the Big Chill then I’m fairly certain there is something wrong with you.


9. Name a movie that you own.
Most of the movies listed here. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Little Voice. Muriel's Wedding. Adam's Rib. Woman of the Year. The House of Yes. A Life Less Ordinary. The Alien Quadrilogy. And I have Chorus Line and Buckaroo Bonzai on VHS in their original oldskool huge plastic packaging.


10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Tom Waits - hmmm... Not sure this counts. I wasn’t ever surprised, really. I’ve always thought of him as a singer/songwriter and actor simultaneously. But he can do anything. I think brilliant creativity bubbles up inside of him and seeps out of his skin like cigarette scented fairy dust.


11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?
Sleeping With the Enemy - freaked me out


12. Ever made out in a movie?
Yes, but not since I was 17.


13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it.
Amores Perros • Thank You For Smoking • Deliverance


14. Ever walked out of a movie?
The Last Kiss - It was so disappointing that I really had to leave or just start screaming, “Decide what kind of movie you are!” and “Why Zach, Why?” and then beat my head against the seat in front of me until I became bloody and unconcious.... So I decided to get up and leave.


15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
Most recently? Children of Men. Brilliant. Haunting.

Life As a House - actually made me sob loudly and as soon as it was over I went out the exit door and called my father crying and completely freaked him out. He thought something was wrong and I had great difficulty explaining why a movie made me cry that hard and call him to tell him I loved him.


16. Popcorn?
ew.


17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?
I used to go a few times a month but lately I’m too busy. Rent frequently.

18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?
Stranger than Fiction


19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Smart, Absurd Humor / Dark Humor


20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
E.T.


21. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
The City of Lost Children - LOVE that film.


22. What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
A.I. - I found it terrifying to sit there watching these atrocities taking place in a fictional future and thinking to myself, “That could happen.”


23. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen?
Happy Texas • Little Miss Sunshine • The Princess Bride

Disclaimers (15 Things They'll Find Out Eventually)

When meeting new people I sometimes wish I could hand out disclaimers. Tips. Little bits of information that take forever to know about a new person. Things that you can be told, but that it takes a long time to KNOW and understand about a person. Practical guidelines. It’s a slow process, getting to know someone. And sometimes that is part of the wonder of having new people in your life... but sometimes I think about printing out little cards.

They would say:

1. I’m allergic to cats and cigarette smoke.

2. I don't like chain restaurants or "superstores". I don't go to Wal-Mart unless they are the only place on earth that carries something and even then I hesitate unless there's a gun to my head.

3. I forget birthdays and holidays. This is no reflection on your importance. Same goes for mail. I have stacks of cards that have never been sent.

4. I hate to be tickled. Not in an “It bugs me.” way... in a “I will look for the nearest thing to grab and bludgeon you over the head with until you stop.” way.

5. I always show up for movies at least half an hour early. I find it stressful when people are not willing to accommodate this.

6. I will never ask how you are to be polite. If I ask it is because I am genuinely interested in knowing. Conversely, don’t ask me how I am unless you actually want to know.

7. I flirt. With everyone. And I make a lot of eye contact. It’s part of how I interact. Don’t read too much into it.

8. Like most redheads, I will never tan. Don't make jokes about me needing some sun.

9. I don’t mind listening. You don’t have to apologize or be embarrassed when you realize you’ve been doing all the talking for the last half hour... This is because I am also a talker. If you can’t handle me babbling about nothing without acting uncomfortable or bored - we won't become friends.

10. I have a filthy sense of humor but am reserved about what circumstances under which I will indulge it. I don't curse around people I don't know very well but am capable of cursing like a sailor. It's ok to curse or tell a dirty joke around me - I won't be offended.

11. I won’t tell you personal information until I’ve known you a long while. If I do tell you something personal, I have a good reason. If you share personal information about me with anyone, I will never confide in you again.

12. I will never judge your interests, no matter how geeky or deviant they may be. I have no patience for people who judge mine.

13. If we’re friends you can call me at 3am and I will wake up, sound as if I haven’t been asleep anyway and will listen patiently for as long as I can stay awake. I will never complain about this later.

14. I am completely calm and competent in a crisis. I get upset over little things.

15. I don't keep people in my life if they lie to me. I will not lie to you. Even when you don’t like what I have to say.

So what would YOUR card say? Not intimate personal details. We’re talking 15 basic, practical instructions here. What would make life easier if people knew it from day one? There are so many things you would never think to SAY to someone, but that they learn by trial and error. Things that people who have known you for years just take for granted.

For example - SO many people apologize for cursing in front of me. Because I so rarely do. And then I end up getting into this long explanation about it. And a lot of people don't realize how serious I am about honesty. If I find out you have lied to me I will no longer socialize with you, pretty much without exception.

It would save a lot of time to just hand out cards.

Your Handy Dandy Party Guidelines

I wrote this list years ago for the Art Conspiracy, when I was contributing a daily rant for their homepage. The following is an updated version.

Everyone will be out partying tonight, thinking deep thoughts about the nature of time, reevaluating the past year, or celebrating the turning of the year in their own unique way. One should follow certain guidelines when making choices about their New Year's Eve activity. I would suggest the following:

New Year's Eve is popularly accepted as a good time for self-examination. It is not, however, recommended that you consume excessive amounts of alcohol before any in-depth navel gazing. You might injure yourself. Sometimes taking stock of your life isn't the best way to spend New Year's. As Minnie Driver's character in Gross Pointe Blank says, "Leave your livestock alone."

The lampshade does not actually look good on your head.

If you go out in public or attend a gathering, there will very likely be poeple with cameras. If you don't want something caught on film, you might want to think twice about doing it at all. There is a particularly incriminating play-by-play series of five photographs circulating amongst my friends from a New Year's several years ago. I am dressed to the nines in a slinky full length black gown and stilettos and the pictures capture me: A) laughing while sitting in one of those odd circular "papasan" chairs, B) falling backwards in the aforementioned chair, feet sticking in the air - clever me, still holding drink aloft, C) tipping the chair forward so as to escape, D) crawling out of the bowl of the chair onto the floor (drink still aloft) and finally, D) on the floor, wagging a finger at the photographer as I declare, "I am not drunk." ...Don't let this happen to you.

Try to avoid illegal activity. It's bad karma to start the year that way and, anyhow, if you can't have fun doing something legal then you aren't very creative.

Despite what you may tell yourself at 2 a.m. - everyone WILL remember that you danced animatedly to YMCA, that you finally told whatsername what you really think of her and that you kissed the guy from accounting. It all seems harmless at the time but - trust me - you had better be prepared to hear about it all next year. Especially if you kiss someone or a lot of someones whom who would not normally be kissing. No one will let you forget that.

Don't flash people unless you are very attractive. It's not nice to ruin someone else's holiday.

Don't take a date whom you are not particularly attached to or haven't been seeing for a long time. You will get stuck with major-holiday-date-syndrome. You have to kiss them at midnight. You are uncomfortably aware that you may not be kissing them on a regular basis for much longer or - worse - you may end up wishing you weren't kissing them at all. Later that year you will have a vague memory of some strange person you may not even say hello to when passing in public. and First dates are right out! This is not the time to find out someone is a boring conversationalist or a bad kisser!

Don't drink and drive. Again, this is a not-ruining-someone-else's-holiday issue.

If you're looking for something different to do I suggest painting REPENT, THE END IS NEAR on both sides of a sandwich board sign and hanging it over your neck. Wear this to the party or event you were planning to attend or - even better - wander aimlessly along the streets downtown amidst the crowds. People love this. For higher impact, wear just the sandwich board.

Do remember to call loved ones. You never know who might be feeling forgottten around the time the ball drops. Have your cell phone handy and fully charged and spread a little love around. Christmas may be the traditional time to tell people you care, but New Year's eve is also an excellent time to tell people that they are special and that they are remembered.

Having the cell-phone on hand, however, is not an option for those who are prone to the drunk dial. If you are a drunk dialer - and you know who you are - leave the cell phone at home or hand it to a trusted friend before you are too fully sloshed to make reasonable choices anout just who needs to hear your mellifluous voice at midnight.

Have fun. Be Safe. Best Wishes for a very happy coming year for everyone!

Year-End Review

2006 has not been a good year. But it has been so mind-bogglingly awful that I have made enormous changes and 2007 is promising to be pretty good. And when I say mind-bogglingly awful I mean like when I am 60 I will still say that THIS was my worst year on memory. THAT bad. Seriously.

So I was perusing The Sheila Variations and saw this questionnaire (which she linked to here and here)and began to try to answer the questions. Big mistake. HUGE. Sadly my answers were wholly depressing.

So I decided I WILL try to answer the questions. I am going to sit down and answer them with my best sense of humor and my eyes set firmly on the silver linings on the horizon. If you, too have had a dreadful year - I recommend trying my approach.

1. Was 2006 a good year for you?

I got my life back. So let's say it was "good for me" but not pleasant. Kind of like high-fiber cereal. Or an enema.

2. What was your favorite moment(s) of the year?

Standing in Times Square.

3. What was your least favorite moment(s) of the year?

There are too many to choose from. Let's just pretend they didn't happen, ok? Better yet, let's write them on pieces of paper and throw them in a hat and include ONE absurd "fake" bad moment and then you can all pull one moment out and try to guess which one is the fake one. Because you'll never guess. It was THAT kind of year.

4. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

Ahem, Stand in Times Square.

5. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't. Maybe that's where I went wrong. This New Year will be rife with resolutions. Masses of fantastical goals to live up to.

6. Where were you when 2006 began?

I don't remember (maybe that's a sign that I had great fun).

7. Who were you with?

Next question...

8. Where will you be when 2006 ends?

At a party with a good friend (and if all goes well, maybe I won't remember!)

9. Who will you be with when 2006 ends?

A good friend and some lovely acquaintances.

10. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Well, she is due to at any moment but thus far I do not believe she has. Ask me tomorrow.

11. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2006?

Yes. My grandmother. The most excellent, clever, spirited (ok, ornery) and strong woman I have ever met. I want to be like her. She didn't take any crap from anyone. In fact, it's a shame she wasn't around for the second half of the year because she could have helped tell-off anyone who upset me. She was very good at quietly, cleverly putting people in their place.

12. Who did you miss?

My grandmother... And my youth. But that's a completely different issue.

13. Who was the best new person you met in 2006?

ME!

"Oh, hi there! Where have you been?"

14. What was your favorite month of 2006?

Months are highly overrated.

15. Did you travel outside of the US in 2006?

Oh, sure. Rub it in. No, I didn't. But I'm leaving the country very soon.

16. How many different states did you travel to in 2006?

Let's see. I entered a state of confusion. Rage. Self-loathing. Doubt. Euphoria. Oh, and abject terror when I saw that women had begun to wear leggings with EVERYTHING, the occasional stirrup pant (leggings gone terribly wrong) and "formal" shorts. I mean, whatthehell?

Geographically speaking, however, 4 or 5.

17. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

A 24 inch waist. oh, oh! and World Peace.

But mostly a 24 inch waist.

18. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My birthday. Clever me, I always remember it. Other than that, pretty much forget most dates eventually.

19. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think I am most pleased with finally auditioning for a part in a play. More than the fact that I got the role. Just that I did it at all.

20. What was your biggest failure?

Well, I couldn't figure out how to get the jam to gel properly when I made blackberry jam... so we're going with that. OK??

21. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was temporarily insane. For most of the year.

22. What was the best thing you bought?

A ticket to New York. And an ipod shuffle. I had NO idea what I was missing (on either count, actually). I just went to the grocery store and shopped while listening to (yeah, go ahead and laugh) Buffy the Musical on my ipod. Hahahahaha! Priceless.

23. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine. I am far stronger than I realized. (doing a little "go me, its my birthday" cheesy dance in honor of said strength)

24. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The man who would be king - a.k.a. The big icky George W. himself. Not that I expected MORE from him, mind you. He depresses me ANYWAY.

25. Where did most of your money go?

Down the drain.

26. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The guy who had been harassing my best friend at work was arrested for embezzlement. That was pretty cool... um, Clearly I have issues.

27. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2006?

No, but I promise to try harder next year.

28. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2006?

Well, no. But I've got three days left, right?

kidding

29. Did you treat somebody badly in 2006?

No. I'm sure there are people I neglected to treat badly.
I'll try to do better next year.

30. Did somebody treat you badly in 2006?

"Badly" really isn't the word I would have chosen.

31. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?
ii. thinner or fatter?
iii. richer or poorer?

Odd, this. I am happier, thinner and poorer.

32. What do you wish you'd done more of in 2006?

I like Sheila's answer. I wish I'd traveled more and had more sex.

33. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Living my life for other people.

34. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Yes. With this gorgeous woman's tuxedo-style pantsuit. And a pair of 4 inch heeled black boots that just reek of sex. The kind of love that lasts (sigh).

35. What was your favorite TV program(s)?

Grey's Anatomy. I can't help it. Impossibly attractive medical personnel sleeping with each other and having neurotic breakdowns just does it for me.

36. What song will always remind you of 2006?

"Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall

37. How many concerts did you see in 2006?

Just a few

38. Did you have a favorite concert in 2006?

Tom Waits. I cried. Also one of the best moments of the year.

39. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I try not to discover musicians. They are often messy and need taking care of. Some of them aren't like that, but I've had enough of musicians for one year. For a lifetime, in fact.

40. What was the best book you read?

I can never decide.

41. What was your favorite film of this year?

Little Miss Sunshine

42. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Dinner at a fancy restaurant. The big three-oh.

43. What did you want and get?

A trip to Scotland

44. What did you want and not get?

Answering this question would be an exercize in futility.

45. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Winning the lottery. Curing cancer. Being awarded the Nobel Peace prize for just being me. I don't know.

46. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

Minimalist and logo averse with a 1940's fetish. Cayce Pollard meets Marlene Deitrich.

47. What kept you sane?

My friends. My deep seated and irrational faith that, in the end, I'm still the most fabulous.

48. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

It's a toss up between Gerard Butler and Takeshi Kaneshiro.

49. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

Wait, no. That's wasn't me. hmmm. I learned that I have to live for myself and do things my way and let everyone else worry about their own damn lives.

50. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

It was christmas eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The rare old mountain dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This years for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold christmas eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of new york city
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse
I pray God its our last

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

Fairytale of New York, The Pogues


Honestly, I feel better just having found less negative answers for most of those questons! You should have heard the first set that I came up with in my head! Better to start the new year with a positive attitude, right?