Monday, February 26, 2007

Girl Scout Season

This is something I wrote last year and originally posted on another blog, but I can't think of a better way to express my feelings about Girl Scout season, so...

They have returned. The annual Girl Scout Cookie Wars are being waged AT THIS VERY MOMENT in households across the United States.

The Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs and most ingenious or them all, Thin Mints, have arrived in the hands of people who only vaguely remember having ordered them from a co-worker's kid months ago during a weak moment, probably exacerbated by hunger over a missed lunch hour or skipped breakfast that morning. So now they are in our homes. Our homes have been invaded by these iconic cookies (I feel they qualify as cultural icons when you consider that a huge percentage of United States citizens can tell you what a "Samoa" is. It is a ridiculous word but until Dick Cheney shot someone, I would have wagered that more people knew what a Samoa was than could name the Vice President... Maybe that's why he did it.)

I know you know what I'm talking about. Large numbers of people order several boxes, thinking that THIS year the cookies will last for months instead of being mysteriously eaten at 3am when theoretically no one in the house was even awake. A lot of people store the most heinous and cruel creation - the Thin Mint - in their fridge or freezer. Is this truly because they like the chocolate to be cold and crunchy, or is it really a feeble attempt at self-defense, based on the idea that the siren call of the Thin Mint will be more difficult to hear through the thick refrigerator door?

I think little drug pushing elves in Brownie uniforms put crack in the Thin Mint chocolate coating. They do this so you will grow addicted and have no choice but to eat them all and then, caught in the clutches of drug withdrawal, will impulsively buy more when you pass the innocent looking little girl who has a stand at the grocery store. This will also get you to buy extra next year as the fear of being without Thin Mints for months at a time creeps into your consciousness becoming an inexplicable source of panic.

I am all for supporting Girl Scouts. The Girl Scout are important - they keep masses of bright eyed little girls busy running fundraisers and doing craft projects for badges which is important because it means that they aren't running around in the street or playing in the yard, making noise and otherwise generally annoying me. I see the inherent value in this.

We must find another way. Perhaps the wise thing to do is to buy Girl Scout cookies but immediately upon receiving them, hand them over to boring relatives who could use the crack-induced pick-me-up. Or offer to donate them to drug rehab clinics with the helpful suggestion that they try using Girl Scout cookies instead of Methadone to help wean addicts off Heroin.

I think it is most likely, however, that the wars will continue and all I can really do is avoid little girls who look like they might have Girl Scout tendencies if it is "ordering season" and if I am caught unawares, to keep my ordering to a bare minimum. It's a gradual process, of course. This year I only ordered 5 boxes. That's much better than the poor guy across the hall from my office who took home 8 boxes, 5 of which were Samoas for his three sons who will, no doubt, destroy his house in a fit of sugar induced mania.

Maybe the boxes should just have a warning label. Something like...

"WARNING: This box contains cookies which may have addictive properties. The FDA is still being lobbied to reevaluate the harmful effects of these cookies, but in there have been reports of: excessive hyperactivity, sleeplessness due to uncontrollable urges to go to the fridge at 3am, and the compulsive purchasing of cookies in large quantities. Do not purchase these cookies if you have a compulsive shopping disorder or psychological problems related to overeating and/or unhealthy body image. Check to make sure the vendor you are buying from is not an elf wearing an unauthorized Brownie costume in order to peddle illegal substances as the Girl Scouts of America have not authorized any elf salespersons."

I am pleased to report that I didn't order ANY cookies this year... But I did just give in and buy a box of Thin Mints from a stand. Because I'm not ready to quit cold turkey. Maybe I'll do better next year.

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