The Woman I Want To Be

“Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

- Albert Einstein

The holiday season is months away and yet today I purchased the first of the many gifts I will give this year.

It has finally happened. I have started my shopping early.

This is one item on a long list of things The Woman I Want To Be would do. I think we all have this list. Even if it isn't conscious. Now I am NOT talking about The Woman We Think We Are Supposed To Want To Be. She of the 18" waist, fast-track career, sweater sets that match her expensive Italian leather loafers and well behaved 2.5 children. I don't want to be HER. Magazines tell us that we should strive for those qualities and most women go through years of learning to walk away from that bizarre cookie cutter ideal our culture is so sold on.

The Woman I Want To Be is a completely different matter. She is me, only more so. She remembers the things I forget. She has all my values, but manages to live up to them far better than I. She does the things I dream about doing. I aspire to be her... hopefully by the time I am 50 or 60 I will have become a reasonable facsimile. It's like an internal system of goals, both practical and ephemeral. I think a lot of women struggle with these things (the big things and the little ones) ...and assume our peers have them under control. Someone told me once that I am "so together" and "have things figured out." I laughed when it occurred to me that if I SEEM that way to someone - while I am trying to BE that way - then many of the other women who I think have it all under control are probably just as nutty and imperfect as I am.

That realization is oddly reassuring.

The Woman I Want To Be will:

Be patient.

Travel often.

Get her Christmas shopping done early.

Send birthday, holiday and thank you cards.

Be more fit than I am now, but not obsessive.

Pay all her bills on time.

Have read everything.

Always look put together.

Bake often.

And give baked goods away.

And not just on holidays.

Know where the heck the tweezers and nail clippers are.

Have adventurous hair.

Be friendly to strangers (strangers freak me out).

Build a family.
Who like each other.

Finish the projects she starts.

Be self-employed or at the very least set her own hours.

Be completely at home in her own skin.

Write on a regular basis.

Have a stronger grasp on Geography.

Know how to drive stick.

Maintain a manicure.

Learn not to buy cheap shoes.

Keep abreast of current events.

Learn not to overextend herself.

Take the extra 20 minutes in the morning to slow down, make a cup of coffee, apply lipstick and fix her hair.
(almost have this one down)

Maintain clean but comfortable home.
(...One with extra bedrooms ready for out-of-town guests, an attic for children to explore and a large warm kitchen overlooking a vegetable garden.)

Not give a rat's behind what anyone else thinks.

Make perfect Tiramisu.

I'm trying to be realistic and not put too much pressure on myself, though. It's good to start with simple, practical goals. So, does anyone have a great recipe for Tiramisu? Falling short of that, does anyone know where I put the tweezers?

Coco Chanel

Coco Chanel, photographed in 1935 by Man Ray
So timeless as to make her seem prescient.

“How many cares one loses
when one decides not to be
something but to be someone.”

- Coco Chanel

Little Man

My life has been changing a lot lately. Many of the changes have been precipitated by a man. Or, rather, a boy.

I’m not being facetious or insulting when I use the word “boy.” He’s 7 years old.

You see, there are TWO new men in my life. The Guy and the Little Man, his 7 year old son.

For the vast majority of my youth, I did not plan to have children. I didn't really see the logic of choosing to bring someone into your world who, for at least 15 years and possibly for the rest of your life, was consistently going to NEED things from you. I figured that life is hard enough as it is, sans child.

In just the last few years, I started to see that there is, perhaps, value in the experience beyond predictable human narcissism (the "I want to see what a LITTLE ME would be like." routine.) All the same, I did not see my chances of finding someone I wanted to raise a child with as being so great. I also have a fear of experiencing pregnancy (not childbirth - which bazillions of women have suceeded at before me so I must be capable of it as well - specifically an issue with pregnancy. I guess I watched Alien too many times). I was very settled into my single-gal routine. When I met The Guy, I did not anticipate it becoming serious. I was not looking for that. When he told me he had a son (one of the first things he told me about himself - he and his ex wife have friendly joint custody of Little Man), I thought it was a plus primarily because I figured it would keep us from spending too much time together or getting too involved. Life so rarely gives us what we expect.

My world is changing. And, in subtle ways, the Little Man is changing me.

He’s the type of child that makes you think, “Oh, SURE. If they were all like this, we’d ALL want to have four or five.” Not long ago we were traveling and our flight was delayed. We had to spend an extra 4 hours waiting around in the airport. At night. It was FAR past his bedtime when we finally boarded the plane. And... He was fine. Patient. Well behaved. Understanding, even. Strangers remarked on it. It was nothing at all like the behavior I had been led to expect from a 7 year old boy. Maybe I've been tragically misinformed. Either that or he's freakishly agreeable.

So I've been taking steps to find room for a child in my life. I went out and bought a set of small glasses. Because it seems silly to serve milk to a 7 year old in a 32 oz. tumbler originally purchased for it's ability to hold large quanities of alcohol. Then I took the floral granny quilt off my extra bed because the Little Man likes red and Ikea had a sale on bedding. I usually get praise for my cream sauces and quiches, but now I'm brainstorming ways to improve my Sloppy Joe's (Although I have been tickled to find that he likes my Pastichio and he actually asks for vegetable soup - See? Weird kid). I experienced this surreal sense of accomplishment the first time I woke up in the morning and packed a brown bag lunch and drove him to camp. I actually passed up an afternoon of margaritas and gossip with friends because that day I preferred to go to the library with my guys. Little Man has started to automatically reach for my hand when we are out in a public place or in a crowd.. and when he does my heart leaps. It's BIZARRE.

I also finally I have someone in my life who values my ability at playing Tak and The Power of Juju.

Last Saturday, The Guy and Little Man spent the night at my house and they brought Little Man's Best Bud (who is also a very nifty kid). I scurried around my house looking for ANYTHING that might appeal to 7 year old boys. BIG SHOCKER - I, as a thirty year old and up-until-recently single woman, had VERY little in the way of stuff that they would think was cool. I had devised a pretty good dinner and picked up fixins for a great breakfast in the morning but as far as activities went I had not planned ahead. I went through my comic collection and managed to pull a short stack of comics that I felt were child appropriate (it's not that I own really obscene comics, but I'm a big prude about exposing children to violence). I found a few sheets of super huge paper that they could draw on and decided to sacrifice my high quality colored pencils to the cause. Basically, I had nothing.

I finished my flight of the bumblebee as they arrived. Little Man proudly led Best Bud to "his" room and pointed out the "cool new red sheets" that had not elicited much comment weeks before when they were presented to him. I showed them the comics, we took Best Bud to meet my pet bunnies, we discussed what we were having for dinner and I showed the boys the HUGE SHELLS of pasta I was about to boil (for stuffed shells).

I stood there, worrying about how insufficient my offerings were and nervously watching the boys peek at the pasta shells and chatter about the bunnies.

Then Best Bud turned and looked up at me, his face lit up with
excitement as he enthusiastically proclaimed,

"This is going to be SO FUN."

Now I KNOW I am a changed woman...
because that is officially a Great Moment In My Life.

When I Am An Old Woman

I imagine you know the poem "Warning" by Jenny Joseph. When it comes to mind, I tend to think of it as trite because it has been printed on greeting cards and has generally been overused. But then I read it and remember that I like it. I like it for it's honesty and attention to mundane details. It's overexposure should not detract from the fact that Jenny Joseph had something to say. Something worth hearing.

That poem came to mind yesterday afternoon when I was listening to NPR and a piece came on about depression in the elderly. It's a difficult issue, treating depression that is, essentially, understandable. Depression in someone who has reached an age where their friends are dying. Depression in someone who may have lost a spouse or siblings to old age. Their bodies don't work as well and for many people old age brings with it debilitating illness. Elderly people who are unable to care for themselves any longer find the transition to assisted living disheartening at best. It can be a very difficult time in life, particularly in a culture that values youth and disdains age, and the treatment of this type of depression is a complex issue.

I listened to the radio, thinking about what I expect from my own old age and what has made this time in life more difficult for older people I have known. I suppose that brought the poem to mind.

Hopefully I will have children and grandchildren. While I hope they will visit, I also hope my life is sufficiently full that I don't mind their absence when they do not. I am putting money away for retirement, so theoretically will be able to stop working and still support myself at a reasonable age. I will have a lot more time to paint. If my hands hold out and I don't develop arthritis, I will probably crochet a lot. Not because old ladies are supposed to crochet but because I enjoy it. I will have time to make more elaborate quilts and include hand stitched details that don't fit into my busy life right now. I will drink a lot of tea and make a huge production out of it. I will bake things I wouldn't allow myself to eat in my youth. I will audition for quirky old lady parts in local theater productions. I will make huge pots of homemade soup and putter around the kitchen all day. I'll wear my hair in a short white Louise Brooks bob but forget to put on makeup unless I'm going out. I'll go on long walks because I don't have to be anywhere. I'll spend too much money on fancy chocolates and wear brightly colored scarves.

I hope I am satisfied with my choices and the life I have lived when I reach my "golden years." And, as the poem subtly cautions, I hope I don't feel as if I have waited until too late in life to take the time to do the things I want to do. I try to make as much time for them now as I can, but I think having more time for my myriad hobbies will be comforting in my old age.

A friend of mine is planning her grandmother's 80th birthday celebration. Her family has this tradition, they throw a sort of "this is your life" celebration for the women of the family when they turn 80. My friend refers to it as being similar to "a funeral while you're still alive," which actually makes a lot of sense. As Jeff Goldblum's character said of funerals in The Big Chill, "They throw a great party for you on the one day they KNOW you can't come." What a wonderful idea to throw such a party when the person CAN be there to enjoy it, a party to tell them how important they are and celebrate their life while they are still with you.

I wonder if the women in my family would like such a party thrown for them? Some of them aren't very fond of being reminded of birthdays and might not think it was so great... If I am alive when I am 80, I think I will throw myself a funeral. Give away things that would have gone in a will. Have a big hoo-ha and play music that I want played at my actual funeral. Tell everyone what I really think. And then live another 20 years just for spite.

Warning
 
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

It's funny to think that, while Jenny Joseph is now over 70 years old, she was not yet 30 when she wrote this tremendously popular meditation on the freedoms of old age and not wasting too much of our youth on excessive sobriety.

Indira Gandhi

I found this post on This and That about Indira Gandhi to be interesting reading and wanted to share it with you.

Desert Island, All-Time, Top Five Women In Film

If for no other reason, then at least thanks to Nick Hornby , we are all familiar with the Desert Island All-Time Top Five. Long a popular concept, he cemented it's place in pop culture by featuring it in his book High Fidelity which was adapted into a tremendously popular film (which I love) and, therefore, dispensed to the masses.

I've always loved making those lists. If you could only take five albums (and, presumably, a device with which to play them) to a desert island on which you would be stranded - which five would you choose? Which five books? Which five films released before 1980? You get the idea. We've all played this game in one form or another. Categories get progressively more specific the longer you talk about it, and people have posted lists on wildly varying themes.

This is mine.

My Desert Island, All-Time, Top Five Portrayals of Women in Film

I'm not saying that these are THE definitive films of this nature. They just do it for me. Films about women I can respect, women I can understand. Portrayals of women that I would want my daughter to see. They are also all movies I could watch over and over again on a desert island without ever growing tired of them. These are women I want to watch.

1. Alien, 1979

Ripley was written to be a man. In the original script, while the writers used androgynous names to imply that most roles were essentially unisex, they never considered Ripley being cast as a woman. A strong female lead in science fiction or action films was, at the time, practically unheard of. Instead of a classic male lead, however, the young, statuesque Sigourney Weaver stepped into the role of the sole survivor of the Nostromo, changing the genre forever. Yes, I prefer this first film to the tremendously popular sequel, Aliens. Why? Because the sequel makes it about Ripley’s maternal instincts. The final battle of Aliens casts her as the raging protective mother guarding her adopted cub. In Alien Ripley wants at first to hold her crew together and maintain control of her ship and, in the end, is simply struggling to live.

Alien isn’t about a woman, it’s about a human being - a feat rarely accomplished in film since this landmark casting decision.

Also important to note - Alien shows us a strong female protagonist who is sexual without in any way being weak or filling the exaggerated buxom stereotype. An female action hero living in a harsh, gritty and - new to the genre - grimy vision of the future. A world where the scapeships have mechanics wearing greasy coveralls and the women don't care what their hair looks like.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I should admit that while I STRONGLY prefer Alien to the subsequent films, I own them all. In fact, I own the absurdly extensive Alien Quadrilogy. Ripley is one of my all-time favorite fictional characters and I think Sigourney Weaver is amazing.

2. Under The Tuscan Sun, 2003

The film only holds a vague resemblance to Frances Mayes' popular book, which I am very fond of, but the adaptation has the author's seal of approval. The book was really a chronicle of a house being renovated and Mayes' account of how she fell in love with Italy. It is richly detailed, makes you yearn to travel and has absolutely nothing resembling a plot.

The film stars Diane Lane as a younger, highly fictionalized version of Mayes who is struggling with a divorce. A very messy, unexpected divorce. Watching previews, I assumed the film would be fluff. Far from it, the film is about a woman recovering from tremendous loss, finding strength and hope in the rediscovery of herself, in her friends and in a beautiful foreign country. The director Audrey Wells, who also wrote the screenplay, brings men into Frances' life again and again but refuses to make any of them a "solution." In the end, as in life, she has to find her own happiness before she can find happiness with someone else.

I can watch this movie again and again. I never tire of it. I go on about it a great deal here. Sandra Oh as the best friend in that brilliant platonic life partner sort of way (if you have a friend like this, and I do, you cannot help but be thrilled by the brilliant chemistry between Lane and Oh and how very true to life their friendship is). And as I said in that previous post, "I am particularly in love with the performance of Sasa Vulicevic as one of the Polish men working on her home. He only says a few words in the film and none of them in English, but there is clearly this unspoken adoration he has for Frances that has nothing to do with the story but which adds brilliantly to the richness of the film. His sadness when saying goodbye after the house has been finished just kills me. It’s the little things that make this film great."

I have to go watch this movie again now.

3. Girlfight, 2000

Michelle Rodriguez, in her first film role (in fact, in her first attempt at acting at all), plays an angry young woman who wants to learn to box. Maybe to feel empowered in a world that disregards her, maybe to express the anger that just seethes out her, maybe to prove she has just as much value as her male sibling. But she wants this. Badly. In boxing, her character Diana Guzman finds a place in the world. Finally sees herself as capable.

Apparently Rodriguez was such a natural talent that the trainers who worked with her on the film tried to convince her to go pro. So that part of the film is very real. But director Karyn Kusama will be the first person to tell you that, in using this film as a metaphor for male/female relationships, she had to choose between realism and being true to the intent of her narrative. In order to address some issues fully, Kusama has to have her female lead hold her own against male boxers who, while specified in the film as being in her own weight class and therefore reasonable sparring partners, clearly outweigh her in reality. Without allowing Diana to compete on an even playing field, however, Kusama would have been unable to explore the themes she wished to.

I found the relationship between Rodriguez's character and Paul Calderon as her father really strikingly convincing. Calderon's strong supporting performance is vital to the film as is Rodriguez's ability to communicate a great deal without speaking. Girlfight is a beautiful film. I love it as an intricate character study. I love it as a portrayal of women in sport. I love it as an examination of what happens to personal relationships when women sucessfully compete against men in a traditionally male arena.

4. Muriel’s Wedding, 1994

Toni Colette is a beautiful woman and a tremendously talented actress. Most of us didn't know who she was, however, before she gained 4o pounds to play a lost, underachieving dreamer named Muriel Heslop. Insead of going the traditional route of movieland makeovers, Muriel tells embarassing lies, steals money from her parents, humiliates herself and generally makes a complete disaster of EVERYTHING. And while I sat there in the theater wincing in discomfort, I recognized a grain of myself (and most every woman I know) in those disasters. The things we do when we are young and want too badly to be liked. The foolish things we say when we want more than anything to just fit in. The mistaken belief that a man wanting to marry us means we have greater value.

Muriels' Wedding is the chronicle of a woman making every possible mistake on her way to self discovery. In the end she is not the gorgeous, svelte woman we all know Toni Colette to be. She has lost some weight but only the weight lost inevitably from getting off her duff and getting out into the world. She goes from this horribly awkward girl to a woman who thinks she has it all figured out, having made herself into every one else's idea of a success, and then actually DOES figure her life out and learns that there is far more to succeeding in life than getting a man to walk you down the aisle. It is emotional, much of it is not remotely pretty, and it is uncomfortably honest while also being a bit over the top.

Oh, and there's and awful lot of ABBA. Considering how I feel about ABBA, this is the icing on the cake. A film in which, instead of becoming skinny or popular or getting a big promotion, a woman just becomes a better person. And learns how to be herself. And that might sound like a mundane change, but it's really quite wonderful.

5. The Big Chill, 1983

This may seem an odd choice, but aside from being just about my all-time favorite film, The Big Chill was the first film I saw as a girl that showed a group of men and women who felt completely equal to me. The women were doctors and lawyers as well as homemakers. The group of friends interacted as individuals who were all so different and distinct but completely equal and genuinely loving each other, sharing a genuine and unique bond in which their gender roles were irrelevant. It was also the first time I saw the idea of a single, successful woman conciously planning to get pregnant and raise a child on her own presented in popular media. I knew women could raise babies alone - my own mother was a single parent. But I feel it was a wonderful and significant choice that Kasdan made to present a woman making the CHOICE to do this in his film.

I can watch this film again and again. And beyond the fact that it just speaks volumes about the odd nuances of friendship, it explores human relationships in ways that go beyond gender while acknowledging the women as women. They are equal and sucessful without being sexless. I think this film was, for me, the first time I saw women portrayed as successful professionals in film without showing them one step behind the men, without the film being ABOUT their competition in the workplace. It revolutionized my concept of what adult women could be.

My favorite scene is of Glenn Close on the floor of her shower crying. It reminds you that, in the midst of this nostalgia, these people are grieving. As a group and individually, they are going through something incredibly difficult. I am fond of Glenn Close and it is, in my opinion, the most complex and nuanced performance of her career.

Oh, and my whole life, I've always wanted to live in that house.




And my "runner up" - because I want to include it, but probably wouldn't pick it to watch 20 bazillion times on a desert island because you can ONLY CRY SO MUCH:

6. One True Thing, 1998

In this film, Renée Zellweger’s character is a driven young career woman who has to put her life on hold when her mother, played by Meryl Streep, is diagnosed with cancer. In awe of her father’s (William Hurt) success, Zellweger’s character worships him and, conversely, disdains her mother’s life of raising children and building a home. This film follows a woman leaving behind the illusions of her childhood.

One True Thing deals with an aspect of female relationships and gender roles too rarely addresssed in film. An entire generation of women grew up with only a small number of female role models in their life sucessfully pursuing careers. Our mother’s generation made the choice to enter the workforce, but was struggling against centuries of ill conceived notions about women - and not all of our mothers made that choice. So many women in my generation looked to their father as a role model when reaching adulthood and pursuing a career, leading to an acutely blind form of hero worship. This film is about moving past both our childhood concepts of who our parents are as well as recognizing the value of our mother’s contributions.

AND it makes me cry. A lot. Highly recommended... but maybe not desert island material. What with the dehydration concerns when one is stranded and all.

I'd love to hear other people's top selections. It's not just about the characters themselves, but how they stand up as a representation of women, real women, and what the filmmaker is choosing to say about our sex.

Farewell to Joan

As of today, Joan of Seven Inches of Sense has decided to close up shop. She’s been one of my regular reads for a while now and I have enjoyed her intelligent writing, frank and open approach to discussing sex (particularly as she has provided a much needed voice online as a survivor of rape who went on to have a healthy, active and adventurous sex life) and her unique perspective. I didn’t always agree with her, but how interesting would it be to only read things you agree with? I, for one, will miss Joan’s presence. There was mention of a book in the works at one point - perhaps Joan’s musings will be available to the world in print at some point. Until then, I hope the future brings her great things.

The Art of LeUyen Pham

"Shino" © LeUyen Pham

I collect the Annual Spectrum editions - they are collections of "contemporary fantastic art" - artwork that explores anything outside the "real" world as we know it, really. It covers a lot of ground. I first saw LeUyen Pham's "Shino" in the 8th edition of Spectrum. I loved how she had taken a mythical creature like a mermaid and made her so of this world; with the string of pearls in her hair fallen to one side, her slouched posture, her morose expression and the casually held cigarette. Honestly, she looks like a young woman contemplating a shit situation that she's unhappily resigned to... beautifully mundane and familiar except for the fish tail. The detail of the little mer-kitty biting it's tail balances the piece, makes it feel a little less hopeless to me. I found her approach to this subject absolutely fascinating.

THEN I found LeUyen Pham's website, leUyenpham.com. Predictably, she has a wonderful sense of humor - as evidenced by her bio page (it's a hoot!). Her work also varies from gorgeous fantastical adult work to whimsical children's illustration. All presented to you in a highly entertaining web page. I strongly recommend taking the time to peruse her gallery.

Grace Kelly & Audrey Hepburn

Photo taken backstage at the Oscars, March 21st, 1956. Hepburn is waiting to announce the Best Picture Oscar winner, Marty, and Kelly is waiting to present the Best Actor award to Ernest Borgnine for his role in the same film. For whatever reason, it's fascinating to me to see these two iconic women together. Even more so because the photograph is of a quiet backstage moment.

This photograph was taken less than a month before Kelly left Hollywood to marry Prince Rainier III of Monaco.

After the Abnormal Pap SmearorWhat To Expect If They Find Wonky Alien Cells in Your Coochie

This is a teeny bit graphic but it's my attempt to demystify the Abnormal Pap smear for other women. If you can't handle talkin' 'bout Vaginas then just don't read this post. Chicken.

So I had a Pap Smear come back abnormal.

This is WHY we have pap smears. We go to the doctor every year (and if you don’t, and are a woman under the age of 65, you should) because of the many conditions that might go overlooked unless a red flag goes up when you have your annual exam. About 5% to 7% of pap smears produce abnormal results. Primarily, pap smears are a method of early detection for Cervical Cancer. And conditions like HPV* that are associated with Cervical Cancer.

So I go. Every year I get my exam. I brave the chilly tools and undignified experience and the unpleasant sensation of someone poking around my insides. Putting my feet into cold metal stirrups and leaning back on that weird inclined medical bed thing always makes me feel like I’m getting into some bizarre ride or machine, except my vagina is front and center so apparently IT’s the one driving. It’s a FREAKY feeling. But I do it. Because I want to live a long life, I care about my family and I want to have children someday (and part of planning for that is making certain that my reproductive system is healthy and hasn’t been taken over by aliens or anything).

We learn in health class (hopefully) that girls should get annual exams and about some of the things a pap smear can detect. No one, however, talks to you about what happens when you get a call from the nurse saying your pap is “abnormal.” I did some research. An abnormal pap smear (love that phrase, by the way) can mean many things and can be handled a few different ways. It can mean you have an infection, that you have pre-cancerous cells in your uterus, that you have HPV... it could even be that your pap smear was inaccurate. Click here and here for more detailed information. When I called the nurse back in a panic, she theorized that the GYN would probably just do a second pap to make sure the first was accurate. She was trying to be reassuring. I wanted to be reassured so I chose to take her word for it.

My appointment was yesterday. It was then, after being weighed and peeing in a cup and filling out forms (you know the drill, I swear they do this to make you feel that you have no power and are therefore less likely to complain when they keep you waiting forever and poke you with frozen metal implements), that the nurse handed me a form to sign. A form that, essentially, served to acknowledge that I had had the Colposcopy and Biopsy procedure explained to me and knew the risks involved.

I hadn’t. I didn’t. And... I was scheduled for WHAT?!?!

Biopsy is a scary word. Biopsy means - to the uninitiated layperson with NO experience of it - You Might Have Cancer And The Doctor is Gonna Cut You. Mix into that the fact that the doctor wants to cut me IN MY UTERUS and - you know what? I got a little tense. Call me crazy but I wasn’t stoked on that combination.

The nurse breaks this news to me and then drops me off in an exam room. I sat there for 30 minutes on the fresh sheet of paper they pull across the table (I really don’t LIKE sitting bare assed on what to me appears to be something very similar to butcher paper. HELLO? If you can wrap dead meat in it, I don't want it NEAR my private bits.) Waiting. For half and hour. For the doctor to come in and explain why she needs to CUT ME IN MY UTERUS.

When she arrived it pretty much went like this:

She read my lab results to me. I have some atypical squamous cells of undetermined significance (ASCUS. Yes. It’s an official designation. Wacky, huh?). The short version is - there were some signs of wonky-ness in my uterus.

To determine the exact nature of these cells, the Doctor will perform a Colposcopy (read here and here about Colposcopies) and possibly a Biopsy.

First the Doctor has you position yourself in the stirrups (the same as the Pap Smear position. Superfun) for the Colposcopy. She puts in the speculum (evil cold duck-lip thing) and widens the Vaginal opening enough to see what’s going on in there. A vinegar-like solution is spread around and it turns abnormal cell growth white so it can be easily identified (this feels similar to but not nearly as scratchy as a Pap smear). She uses the Colposcope to get a better look at the cells. IF the Doc finds sufficient abnormal cell growth (read here: pretty much any at all), she cuts a small piece of that tissue off to be tested - that is the Biopsy. This feels like a very sharp pinch; less pronounced than I would expect it to hurt if someone cut a bit of tissue off of my hand or leg (but without the reassuring knowledge that you can kick the person who has injured you in the hand or leg.) It DOES hurt, but it isn't all that bad and it is fairly brief. I did NOT feel noticeable continued pain after the Biopsy - as you would if you were cut somewhere externally.

Women have these done ALL THE TIME. They just don’t talk about it (presumably because no one wants to talk about having HPV, which seems pretty stupid considering that three out of every four adults over the age of 18 have been infected with it) so it sounds really freakin’ scary. The Biopsy causes mild bleeding. It is not like menstrual bleeding, it’s more thin and bright red - like what you expect from a cut on your skin. It can also cause cramping. I experienced a tiny bit of this but the nurse gave me four Motrin prior to the procedure and really - they did the trick. It did hurt but wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. If I can handle it, most other women will be fine.

After the Doctor was done, she put something on the cut to help stop the bleeding. This stuff looks icky AND she tells me that in a few days this material will “drop out” on it’s own so I shouldn’t freak out. JOY. Love being told that my Vagina will be expelling stuff. Woo-hoo!

Oh, and my warm fuzzy Gyno tells me that you should not “Place anything in The Vagina for two weeks after this procedure.” I wanted to ask, “oh... THE Vagina? The one right here or the one I keep on my kitchen counter? WHICH Vagina exactly am I not supposed to put ‘anything’ in?” But she did at least clarify that she means, “Tampons or intercourse.” Which I guess is to reassure me that she didn’t assume I put like power tools or an extra pair of shoes up there.

The good news is, I’M FINE. There was very little abnormal cell growth. I will probably just have to have my PAP every 6 months for a while until we are sure nothing weird is developing. In two weeks I’ll get the results of the Biopsy which will be more specific. Statistically, it will probably turn out to be no big deal. But I would rather KNOW.

Mind you, for the last ten minutes of sitting on that stupid paper waiting for the doctor, I seriously considered just leaving. I was uncomfortable and scared and horrified that she might have to perform a Biopsy and I wanted to GO HOME. I stood up and paced. I seriously considered walking out the door (after changing from the big paper sheet back to my blue jeans and underwear, of course). I'm glad I didn't. Proper Gynecological care can catch early evidence of cancerous growth, saving your life and your family a great deal of grief. My visit yesterday was unpleasant, but nothing compared to how horrifying it would be to find out that I had a condition that had advanced to the point that it couldn't be treated.

I just wish that ANYONE I knew had EVER mentioned having this procedure before. I was terrified. Stone cold horrified and ready to beat feet. So now, if this happens to YOU - you know it also happened to ME. And we're gonna be ok. Even if the news is bad, I will be finding out early - while something can be done to help me. If you get an abnormal Pap smear you may have to have a Colposcopy (which I can barely pronounce) and/or a Biopsy. You will survive both of them just fine. They aren't as bad as they sound and maybe you will be luckier than me and have a Gyno who warms up the speculum.

Also, from personal experience I can say that chocolate cake helps. Taken orally, of course. When your Uterus feels bad, four Motrin with a chocolate cake chaser may not actually fix anything but it does help.

*There are like 40 types of HPV, roughly 74% of adults in the U.S. are carrying it. It is sexually transmitted but a lot of people who have it have no symptoms and never know they have it. Some forms manifest as genital warts (which, since it’s an obvious question, I will share with you that I DO NOT have. Yay for me.) Some forms are associated with Cervical Cancer. It’s like this: NOT everyone who has HPV gets Cervical Cancer but everyone who has Cervical Cancer has HPV. Basically if you have HPV, then they watch for Cervical cancer... ‘cause you are at risk. Read here about HPV truths and myths!

ANOTHER addendum: My doctor has told me now that I do NOT have HPV. I am a little unclear on whether this means the initial tests were inaccurate or if this means it can "go away" - which I did not think was the case. Whatever the case, I preferred to have this accurately recorded here. And I'm not asking again lest she suggest another biopsy. A scalpel doesn't need to be anywhere near my ladybits again, thankyouverymuch. It's been a few years and I am still getting very regular checkups to make sure I am healthy because, no matter what my doctor says I do or do not have - keeping track of our health is something we owe it to our loved ones to do.