Oh, dear

Naturally the worst thing you can do under the influence of alcohol would be driving a vehicle or operating heavy machinery. Everyone knows this. There are, however, a lot of far less serious, but still very stupid, things one can do while snockered.

Dating and/or trying to pick someone up while inebriated is a notoriously bad idea. It’s never a good thing to wake up next to someone you don’t know well. Or don’t like. Or don’t even recognize. Personally I’m not sure how you can drink so much that you make completely different choices about who you would and would not take home, but it’s a commonly reported phenomenon. Usually with the same level of shock and horror one expects from a person reporting an alien abduction. Perhaps people who report being “probed” by an alien are actually experiencing a mental break due to drunken sexcapades they cannot rationalize with anything less than, “Aliens did it.”

Drunk dialing - i.e. making phone calls while intoxicated, usually to an ex or some other person you might not normally call - is also risk prone. It can lead to all sorts of recriminations the next day. Especially if you hit the wrong number on your speedial. Instead of telling your evil ex boyfriend about the new guy you’re having revenge sex with, you may tell your poor, unsuspecting mother. Sound unlikely? I know at least three people who have accidentally called their mother when sloshed. Really.

There are a lot of familiar pitfalls to avoid. I think the risk of conversing while intoxicated gets too little attention, but it is that particular danger that keeps me from drinking often. When imbibing alcohol, I think I need to put duct tape across my mouth with a little hole in the middle for a sippy straw. So I can still consume strong spirits but am unable to communicate.

I am a direct sort of person. I tend to say what I’m really thinking. As a semi-responsible adult, I put limitations on who, when and where I indulge my natural inclination to be completely honest and uninhibited in the subject matter of my conversation.

Last night I talked to a complete stranger about the nature and/or uses of inflatable sheep (see Scotland post for explanation as to how inflatable sheep came up). Somehow a game of describing each person at the table in two words started up and I decided that instead of being funny, it would be a good idea to be accurate. I made ludicrous declarations on a number of subjects but most clearly I remember telling someone that I thought the plan they had for the next two years of their lives was a really bad idea. I told a table of perfectly nice men that size does, in fact, matter.

Late in the night a really funny, attractive guy who I had just met gave me a particularly wonderful compliment and instead of being gracious and saying, “Thank you.” - I think I may have just agreed with him. Really. It was one of those moments where you think, “Oh, god. Did I just SAY that? Out loud? I don’t even THINK that. OHMYGOSH. I DID just say that.”

From here on out, I may either drink OR talk but never do both in the same sitting.