Beyond the Pale "Titles" survey

Tracey wrote this survey - I think with the intent that it simply be answered in her comments section - but I had pretty detailed answers, so I'm posting my thoughts here (more accurately, I started to comment and then I realized I was writing A LOT so...)

1. Agree/Disagree: I think it is okay to call people who are not actually my aunt or uncle by the title “Aunt” or “Uncle” So and So.

I agree. Providing that they are amenable to this and that I use this title in our homes or gatherings of people who know us both - in public gatherings it can cause unnecessary confusion and embarrassment for someone who has just met you and is trying to understand the relationship between the people in the group. This can also be cleared up by a quick explanation to any strangers in the conversation. I think it's poor manners to ignore the fact that you might confuse people.

I also would only use that title if I genuinely felt that person and I had a bond that felt more familial. I think the use of these titles should come from natural interaction and develop based on the level of closeness with that person - not because they say to call them that or because your folks call them that.

2. Agree/Disagree: I think it’s okay for my children to do the same thing.

If I had children, I would be okay with this providing they understood my reservations as listed above. Also, I don't think I would introduce that idea unless that person spend a lot of time with my kids and an aunt/uncle type of relationship seemed to be developing naturally. Once I introduce the idea - it would be up to the kids and how they felt toward that friend to determine if that name "sticks"

3. T/F: My kids actually do call — or I would let them call — my friends by the title “Aunt” or “Uncle” So and So.

I have friends who would definitely be "Aunt" or "Uncle" so-and-so if I had kids.

4. If you answered True, do/would these titles apply to all your friends? If not, why not?

I might not instinctively make this reference to all my friends when introducing them / talking about them to my kids. I think it would develop based on who my kids became close to and to some degree it would come from the more familial relationship I have with some of my closest friends. In the end, though - it would be up to my kids.

5. If you answered False to #3, why don’t/wouldn’t you allow your kids to call your friends “Aunt” or “Uncle” So and So?

N/A

6. If you allow — or would allow — your kids to call your friends “Aunt” or “Uncle,” would you let them do this in the presence of their real aunt or uncle?

Yes. I think that my siblings are smart enough to know that if any child of mine called someone else "aunt" or "uncle" it would be because that person plays a similar role in my child's life and it does not harm my siblings in any way or take anything from them. Their relationship with my children would be defined by the choices they made and the amount of closeness they developed with the children, not by what the kids called them. Blood alone doesn't make you family - it's also about behavior. If a friend of mine spent enough time with my kids that they felt natural calling that friend "aunt" or "uncle" then that means that that friend deserves the title.

7. A step-parent scenario: Is is appropriate for a kid to call a step-parent “Mom” or “Dad”? I’m asking. I really don’t know.

I call my step-mother "mom." When I met her I called her by her first name. I continued to do so until I was 18 or 19. Calling her "mom" was something that came from reaching a point in my life where I had fully bonded with her and felt she was my mother. She never pushed or dictated that I call her anything specific and when I started calling her mom she didn't make a fuss - it was entirely based on where our relationship was. I haven't called her by her first name in a very long time. :)

8. Another step scenario: Your wife died. You’ve remarried. You have adult daughters who call your wife, their stepmom, “Mom.” There is less than 10 years’ difference in age between your new wife and your daughters. Calling her “Mom” — appropriate or not?

It seems unlikely that a daughter would feel that someone less than ten years older than her was a "mom" figure - but I guess it's okay if the daughter WANTS to call her mom. I think it would be in poor taste for the father or step-mother to urge her to do so, but if the step-mother is comfortable with that she could let the daughter know it is an option. These are difficult situations - assuming that they like each other, both parties will often fear insulting or hurting each other even by discussing these possibilities.

9. Does it dishonor your dead spouse to have your grown kids call your new spouse “Mom” or “Dad”?

I don't think so, but the use of it should be up to the kids. It's not dishonor to their mother. But often you will find that children (of any age) in this position will call one mother one name and another mother a different one. My biological mother was always "mama" or "Mother" - my step-mother has always been "mom". There are a million names for mother. If the children WANT to call her mother but don't like the idea of sharing the name that was their own biological mother's - they have the option of choosing another affectionate mother-related nick-name for the new woman helping to fill that need in their life (because grown-ups need a mom, too).

10. What about younger kids? Is it okay for them to call your new spouse “Mom” or “Dad” if your first spouse is deceased?

Same as above. Younger children may need the reassurance of having someone they can call that title more and could be encouraged to use a variant that they never used for their deceased mother - young children are often unsure if they have "permission" to call a new parent by a title. That title means "you are mine" in so many ways. I don't think kids should be MADE to use any title, but encouraged and given options they can consider. ESPECIALLY if they have lost a parent. They will need nurturing but it isn't nurturing to be forced into claiming a new parent figure.

11. Who decides what a step-parent is called? The bio parent or the step-parent? Or the kids??

The kids do. And the parents can fight that but they will lose.

12. A grandparent scenario: Your grown kids have no kids. You’re not a grandparent. You allow the kids of other people to call you “Grandma” and “Grandpa” in front of your adult childless kids. You really want to be grandma or grandpa, so is this okay or not okay?

It depends on your kids. If your children have CHOSEN not to have children and actively do not want them, I think it shows no disrespect. Some older people are just called that within their community. If you enjoy that title in part because you are disappointed that you never had grandchildren - don't share that with your children. They don't need to know.

If your adult children did want to have kids of their own and for whatever reason never did OR if you are in any way uncertain what their feelings are about not having children, then I think it is acceptable to have that nickname at your church or somewhere in your community that your grown children do not typically enter but would be thoughtless to - for example - encourage the next-door-neighbor's little ones to call you as your children are likely to meet the neighbors kids and be upset by hearing that.

13. Another grandparent scenario: Same parameters as above, but you list these same non-related kids as your “granddaughters” or “grandsons” on your Facebook page. Okay or not okay?

Not okay. Facebook relationship designations are "information" that is provided and the implication is that it is factual. This is not only cruel to your own children but rude to people who don't know you very well and will find the designation confusing.

14. What is your philosophy of “titles”? I mean, who gets to call who what when there is no actual relation? (Horribly phrased, forgive me, but I think you know what I mean.) And who decides?

The person bestowing a title picks the title. Titles - ESPECIALLY ones that relate to familial designations - should come from natural interaction and feeling. When I call my step-mom "mom" I am saying, "You have been a mother to be. You have nurtured me and cared for me. I choose you. I claim you as a mother in my life." I think all familial titles are like this. And we can tell kids to use them but we aren't doing the kids or ourselves any favors. I'm a big believer in "you can call me ____." and then leaving it alone. The "namER" chooses who the "namEE" feels like in their world.

My whole family has a nick-name for me. I think of it as the familial version of my name. It sounds warmer to me than my own name. On VERY rare occasions I tell someone they can call me that. But in some instances people have adopted it on their own if they interact with my family a great deal and have a close relationship with me. I feel that if that is what they are comfortable with and the nature of my relationship with them - then they can use that "title"

15. If a “title” hurts anyone in the process — and if you know it does — is that enough to stop using that title or is the title more important?

Generally I think it's a good rule to try not to do anything that you know hurts someone.

That said, there are few situations in which I feel a reasonable adult could consider a title hurtful. I choose not to call my step-mother "mom" when speaking to my biological mother. I revert to her first name if referring to her when speaking to my biological mother. When the two of them (this almost never happens) are in the same room, I call my step-mother "mom" and accentuate the fact that I call my biological mother "mama" (she is not American by birth and "mama" is the designation she encouraged during my childhood). I am not willing to strip my step-mother of the title that accurately describes our relationship in front of my biological mother, but I try to approach it in a way that will not cause harm. My step-mother deserves the name I choose to call her by, although she has specified that she is not insulted if I choose to use her first name in those instances, I feel that she and I took a long time to get to this place and I would feel it was disrespectful to that history to pretend it isn't there when my biological mother is in the room.

The only other use that I find bothersome is having unrelated kids call you a grandparent's title in front of your children who do not have kids. I think that any intelligent adult should be able to realize the potential for hurt in this and can give kids a different non-grandparent related nickname to call an older adult they are fond of or save that title for children who never interact with their adult children.

There are some rare instances (I have seen this in action and it can be very sweet) where every single person in a community calls one older person "Gramps" or something like that and if a community has started doing this, I hope the adult children who do not have kids of their own are able to understand that that is less related to the grandparent role and more a way a community will affectionately adopt an older person.

When it comes to "aunt" and "uncle" - don't take offense. Just because your nieces and nephews love someone else who is not related to them enough to use that designation, it doesn't mean they love you less. I DO think it's tacky if the kids just use it because their weirdo mother or father pushes them to call someone that. There's nothing worse than hearing "you remember Uncle ___, right?" when referring to a non-related person who the kids CLEARLY have no personal affection for.

Basically, I think the use of titles should be dictated by personal feeling. Unless the title being used when addressing YOU is insulting or upsetting to you, you can suggest a title, but the use of a title relates to a person defining their relationship with you. And you can't force that relationship. So if your step-kids don't call you "Mom" - they may not be ready. It doesn't mean they never will. And if your niece calls your sister's best friend "Aunt Lisa" that doesn't mean your niece doesn't love you. It probably means that that woman is also someone important in her life and you should be glad that your niece has a lot of supportive adults. And hope that your sister's friend is actually named "Lisa."